Thurs, May 3
... Pieces of Promises
What's scariest is that I know what I'm doing. I'm going into life with both eyes wide open, fully aware of when I'm pleasing God and when I'm blatantly turning away from him. Maybe it's not some overt thing where I suddenly turn 180 degrees and completely change the way my life is heading, but it's in the hundreds of small choices I make every day. It's in deciding to sleep instead of read my Bible. It's in deciding to go on the Net rather than talk to God. It's in deciding to watch a movie that I know won't do me any good. It's in deciding that it's really okay for me to compromise just a little bit.
Maybe I don't do it all knowingly; maybe there are some things that I do that take me a little further from where I want to be that are truly unknown. But for the most part, I can't claim innocence anymore. I know full well what I'm doing and what the consequences are. I know that the longer I keep this up, the harder it'll be to get back on track. I know that the more I live for me instead of for God, the more hard apologies I'll have to make, the more relationships I'll have to mend, the more trust I'll have to gain back, and the more healing I'll have to do. And still I do it. Why? I don't know. Because I'm selfish. And somehow, I think that the short-term gratification I'm giving myself now will be worth it in the long run. Even though I know that it won't be. I still rationalize, justify, ignore, and pretend, until it all comes crashing down around me and my world crumbles into pieces and I run back to where I know full well that I never should have left.
And even as I write this, I know that I'm doing everything I know not to do; I know that I'm being dumb, and that knowing all of the consequences won't make them any easier. But I'm relinquishing my right to complain about my life. I know what I'm doing, and I know what it'll do to me. And I just hope that I come to my senses before it really gets too late.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:36 p.m.
