Sat, Mar. 8
... In the eyes of a stranger
I'm so proud of my kids. I really, really am, and I don't think they understand just how proud of them I am. I think it's something you have to experience to really get. I try to tell them, but sometimes I think that they just think I'm trying to make them feel better, or trying to pump them up for a show. I think it's kind of like being a parent (not that I would know, but I'm guessing here). You try to explain the why and how all you want, but until you get there, you just don't understand.
They trust me. A show starts as a vision in my head. I'm the only one who sees what the finished product will look like. And these kids take those visions that I have, and they turn them into reality. They trust me with their emotions, their bodies, and their dignities, and they have enough faith in me to believe that I'll take those gifts and turn them into something beautiful.
That says more to me than any applause, reviews, bouquets, or gifts.
I'm so sad that a lot of my kids are graduating this year. I hope that some of them will be back next year, even after they've graduated, but it's the end of something. Some of these kids were in The Waiting Room, which was the first big play I directed with the sr. high group. I've been working with them for three years, and I've watched them grow. I've challenged them with bigger and different parts, and I've had the immense privilege of being there for a part of their growing up that no one else has been, at least not in that particular setting.
It's exciting that my ministry has grown, and that there are so many new people coming in, but it's hard to watch those first few chicks gain their wings. I've prayed and loved and pushed them through a lot, and I want to hang onto them. I want their wisdom, experience, and fun to influence the next group of kids that I have come under my influence. I wonder what exactly it is that I've done that's made an impact on their lives. I wonder if I've done anything that's made a difference, or if I've just helped them put on some really fun shows over the years.
I hope I've made an eternal impact. I hope they can look back 15 years from now and remember their church theatre experience when they were in high school, and remember something about the lessons they learned. If they become better actors because of who I was and what I taught them, that's wonderful. I've accomplished something that many people never do. If they become better people, that's even better. If my influence helps to shape a life into something God-honoring and holy, I am blessed beyond measure.
I watch the tears and the frustration from an outsider's perspective. They comfort each other, but I don't always get that luxury when I'm the director, because so many times, I'm the one causing the tears and frustration. I'm the one pushing them and making them do things that they don't like to do. I'm the "bad guy." And, while I try to be a fun bad guy, and I try to be their friend, I can't always do that.
I have to be frustrated myself while they grow that bond as a cast, and while they discover things about working together that I'm not a part of. I'm not in all the inside jokes, I don't have their euphoria onstage. I get my own little party in the audience, laughing and crying with them, and waiting until it's all over to hug them and tell them how proud of them I am.
Yeah, it's a frustrating, difficult, stressful, high-responsibility job, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love the thrill of watching them get it; I love watching the play and hearing the audience react to the decisions that I've made; I love hearing the laughter and the silence; I love the look on their faces when the show ends and they realize what they've just done; I love watching them giggle and try new things; I love seeing the creativity come out; I love watching their faces as they watch each other and see the story in a new light.
I'm such a mother hen. I don't just direct those kids; I love them. I just wish they could understand that.
infinite || abyss
posted at 2:14 a.m.
