Thurs, Oct 18
... What have I become?
Enough playing around with this for now. I'm relatively happy with the way it looks at the moment, and I'll figure out the last few details later. It's decent. It's satisfying me for the moment. :o)
Why is it that everything that I've placed all that I am in for my entire life seems so shaky? This is who I am!! This is what I've chosen to become; what I've chosen to place my hope in; who I've chosen to believe and trust, and all of a sudden, I feel like I can't. It's not that I don't want to anymore, because I do; it's more that I can't. That scares me. I really do want to keep being who everyone thinks I am, but I don't know how to do that. I guess more to the point is that I still believe everything, but I don't let it change me as much as I once did. It's not such a big priority anymore. I'm really not sure how to take that... I'm not sure where to go with that revelation. If it was as important as it once was, though, or if it was as big a deal as everyone who knows me thinks it is, I definitely wouldn't be doing some of the things that I'm doing now.
When did it stop being such a big deal? I really don't know. People--the ones who know me best--are starting to worry, but of course I can't let on that anything's different. I'm the same person I've always been... really. I'm still me, don't you know? And only a select few know me well enough to really know the difference.
As for the rest of the world... well, we'll see what happens there. I really couldn't tell you how long this charade will last. Or maybe I'll come back to my senses and get back to the way I should be, the way I was, the way I hvae been, the way everyone expects me to be. Who knows. I guess only time will tell.
infinite || abyss
posted at 3:11 p.m.
