Sat, Mar. 16
... London Bridge
Ever have the feeling that your eyelids are lined with sandpaper and that they're so heavy you can't keep them propped up without the help of toothpicks? Like you have so many tears behind your eyes that they're about to push your eyeballs out of your head, but they just won't come out (the tears, not the eyeballs)? Like all you want to do is go to sleep and hide? Yah.
It's been a long day. It feels like it's about midnight, and it's only 9:00. I'm ready to go to sleep and have a day to sleep in, do nothing, and just... no, I don't want a day just to let myself think about nothing. My thoughts wander too far when I do that. And I don't really want a day to sort things through in my head, because it's such a tangled up mess that I can't get anywhere by trying to unravel it. It's easier just to keep myself from thinking by doing anything that doesn't give me the time to.
Maybe having an 8-hour shift at work, with not a whole lot to do for at least 4 of those hours isn't the best way to keep from thinking. :op Oh well. That's why I read a book. And like I could stop myself from thinking most of the time anyways. That's something that just doesn't happen.
But I don't know what to feel, or think, or do, or be. I just don't know. Something else, falling down. London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down... Will it stop? I don't think I have much more that can collapse. And if it did, I hate to think where I'd be.
I'm supposed to have hope. I'm supposed to have "a hope and a future," but right now, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like I have hope for any future. I can't see. I'm blind, and I can't find my glasses. I can't find the one person who sees for me and who can lead me out of this mess. I feel so abandoned.
But of course no one can know that. Shhh... you won't tell, will you?
infinite || abyss
posted at 8:50 p.m.
