Mon, Feb. 2
... The whole world smiles with you
It's nice to know that somewhere, someone is looking out for me. Even if I don't see her that often. It's nice to know that it's only a phone call away, and there's someone who will help me get through these next few months of hell. I love feeling loved. Don't we all?
I needed that hug. I needed someone to hold me and let me just be. Let me puddle, if necessary. I needed someone to hold on tight, because if there's no one to ground me occasionally, I might just fall to pieces. I need someone to be the glue.
Yesterday, Logan and I were driving to church, and we realized that I had a flat tire. The third one in 6 weeks. Later that afternoon, the boys had tried to change the tire, and it was rusted on, so the old one wouldn't come off to put the spare on, and we were trying to find somewhere to fill it up. We were driving (limping) between gas stations numbers 3 and 4, and Logan commented how frustrating it was--the whole situation.
I agreed, but then said, "In a strange, twisted sort of way, it's actually somewhat humorous." He gave me a look like I'd just grown a second head, and I said, "Honey, I'm at the point where I've just got to laugh, or I'm going to cry."
That's the story of my life right now. She commented tonight that I seem to be handling things well, and that I'm surprisingly calm. And part of that's my personality, and part of it's just the fact that if I don't laugh, I'll cry, and I'll turn into a puddle on the floor. And I can't do that--I have to keep going and keep life going. And she knows that--she could see that the smiles were a bit strained, and the laughter is a bit forced.
But at least it's there. There's something to be said for smiling through it, even if you don't feel like it. If you smile long enough, eventually you'll believe a little bit of what you're trying to tell yourself and the rest of the world. And a little bit is sometimes more than enough.
infinite || abyss
posted at 10:47 p.m.
