Thurs, Nov 8
... "I didn't love him"
One of my biggest pet peeves, and one thing that I know I've been guilty of at times, is when people try to... nullify, almost... their feelings after they get out of a relationship. Let me explain. They break up with a girlfriend/boyfriend, or things with a friend go bad, or whatever, and all of a sudden, it becomes, "Well, I didn't
really feel that way about him. I didn't
really love him, or mean everything that I said, or..." It becomes a form of protection, I think. And yes, sometimes you realize that you were just faking some of it. I know I did when Brian and I broke up. I didn't love him as much as I thought I did, or want to spend the rest of my life with him as much as the rest of the world thought. But I also know that I
did love him, and that I can't say, all of a sudden, that I never did at all. Make sense?
So now, I'm at a place where I don't want to do that with God. It's kind of the oppposite, but... The past 8 months or so have been really dry times, nad I don't want to fall into the trap of saying that "It was all bad. There was no time when God met me," because there was. There were times when I felt closer to God again; where I was as passionately in love with him as I had ever been. But the difference was that those were the moments, not the pattern. Oh, I know life isn't all feelings, and I know I'm not always going to feel his presence as strongly as I want to, but that wasn't just a matter of not feeling it. It was a matter of that connection not being there, or me not acknowledging it, except for the few times when it would come back to remind me of what I was missing.
No, the good times were there, but they weren't the standard, and therein lies the difference. I want the rule, not the exception, to be the intimate love with my Jesus.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:08 a.m.
