Sat, Jan 26
... Separate mind and body
I need to write. I need to separate my fingers from the rest of my body and just let them go; just let them say what the rest of me wants to say but can't.
I realized today that I'm a much more one-on-one person than I am a group person. I've always been somewhat of an extrovert, but I'm right in the middle between extroverted and introverted that I can't really be one or the other. I really don't like trying to hang out in big groups, though. I would so much rather spend time with one or two friends at a time than a huge group of people. I can be comfortable with the big group. It's not that I'm scared of them; it's not that I feel like I have to withdraw into myself and not come out of my shell, but I can't be totally me in a big group.
I would rather spend the time with one person and spend some good quality time together. Talking; really talking, instead of trying to make ourselves heard over the noise. I'm selfish that way. When I have good time with my friends, I want them to myself. I don't want to have to share them with a bunch of other people. I want to hear them; to listen to them; to talk to them; and to not have to worry about the rest.
Most problems come with groups. I get along so much better with some people when I'm alone with them than I do in a group setting. There are fewer masks to put up. If all I'm doing is being the "me" that you want to see, it's easier to do that with just you, than with him and her and him, and having to be the me that they want to see, all at the same time as trying to be the me that you want to see.
I was just going to type, "maybe it's partly because I'm a girl and we like to 'talk' more than guys do," but I don't want to have to rationalize it. I don't want to have to look at the way I feel and have to explain it to someone. It has to be done, though. I can't let it out without explaining it in some way or another. The raw emotion is just that--too raw. I can't let it out uncensored. I can't say what I'm thinking without some sort of qualifier and explanation, just to make sure everyone understands and I'm not being misinterpreted. Because misinterpretation might mean that someone might not like something I'm saying, and we all know that would be the end of the world.
I'm such a people-pleaser. I hate having people upset with me, or disagreeing with me, or whatever. I'm getting better in some areas, but there I go again, trying to explain. I'm one of those people who craves affirmation, hates disagreements, and tries to avoid unnecessary--and even some necessary--conflict. Don't say anything too harsh. Who knows what the reader may be thinking. Don't say anything that's too absolute, or too far on one end of the spectrum or the other. You never know... you just never know.
It's been one of those weeks, you know. The kind where all my energy went into living. Who cares about classes, about assignments, about scripts than needed to be memorized, about work, about eating, about anything. Just waking up for another morning, making it through another day, and falling asleep again at night. That's where all my energy goes these days.
The trip auditions were postponed. I hope I make this trip. I want to go so badly. It's one of the only things that kept me from taking this semester off. One of my only--and definitely one of the strongest--motivations for staying in school for these next four months. If I don't go, it won't be the end of the world, and I won't get all depressed or anything like that... I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. The higher I set my hopes and expectations, the further I have to fall if they don't come through. So, don't set them as high, then the disappointment isn't as great later on. I think it's getting a little late for that, though. One more week. Just one more week, and then I'll know.
I'm getting my duffel bag ready to go. Are you ready? If I show up at your doorstep, what will you say? Will you regret it more if you do come, or if you don't?
infinite || abyss
posted at 2:28 a.m.
