Fri, Jan 18
... Again, I choose...
I'm not quite sure what exactly it is that I'm supposed to be feeling right now. Sadness, yes. Hope, yes, still hope. Defeat? In some ways. But I'm not going to give up. Honestly, that's still not an option. If anything, I'm ready to fight even harder. To love harder. To persevere longer.
Kat and I were talking today, and honestly, it's so great just to talk things through with someone. She didn't give me answers, confirmation, or advice, as much as I did myself, just by talking it all through and sorting things out in my brain by verbalizing them.
"This time, things are different." I know that's what I always say, but when she sees it, too, I have more hope that it's true this time. That things have finally gotten to a point where they won't follow the same old same old path that they've always taken. The same traps, the same failures, the same successes... everything. It can't start absolutely fresh, because that's not the way life works, but God can--and has--redeem this and take everything that's gone before to make it stronger. To make it more lasting.
I realized something today. For the first time, I think, I realized that what I need is balance. Okay, that's not the new part, but it's like every good thing has had to have been extrapolated to be too good. Every bad thing has had to have been taken to the extreme and become too bad. And that's where the problem lies. Because the good and the bad will come. And when the bad comes, I have to learn to deal with it right away. I think I'm learning that, and it's keeping things from getting too extreme.
I'm a girl, though, and I'm me. I know myself well enough to know what makes me feel secure, and what makes me doubt; what makes me wonder, and what makes me fully assured. Something like this makes me doubt. Makes me wonder where things went wrong. Makes me wonder how I can make everything all better. Makes me think that things are horrible, even if they're not. Even though I know that this is good, that this will "all be worth it," I feel like it's not. Like I'm losing something precious instead of temporarily giving it up to gain something even better.
This is where I have to learn... A promise is a promise. And I'll trust both of your promises, even when it doesn't feel like it. Even when I don't "feel" like they're being kept. I know they are. I know they are, and that's going to be enough for me.
And beyond those two promises is the promise that's so much deeper, fuller, richer, and truer than any that you've made to me. Beyond those is the promise that everything's going to be okay. That everything's going to work out. That it's all going to be worth it. Not because of the promises that I've made, or that you've made, but because of the ones that I can cling to most securely.
Just like love is, ultimately, a choice, so is trust. And no matter how hard, no matter how impossible it seems, I choose to trust both of you.
Because it's all going to be worth it.
infinite || abyss
posted at 2:13 p.m.
