Fri, Jan 4
... What's it all about, anyways?
My Jen's back online! She hasn't had the internet at home for the past 4 months, and she's finally back on! Yay for that!
I've been meaning to write about this for a while; I just keep forgetting to. A week or so ago, Kat, Christian, Laurel, and I went to see "Shallow Hal." Not the greatest movie ever... not one I'd recommend to many people, but it did make me think. We left the movie, and Laurel and Kat were talking about how it made them so self-conscious of their bodies and the way guys perceive them. I guess it did that it a little bit for me... but more than that, it made me wonder how someone with that kind of vision would see me. And more than seeing me as beautiful because I was a nice person, or smart, or funny, but what would they see if they saw me? If my beauty was based on my character, what would I look like?
Anyways... that's just my "deep" musing on that movie.
I want to write, but I don't know what to write. Funny. I used to be able to pop off a short story in no time at all. Now it seems I can't write at all unless it's something pointless about my day, or at least some thought based on something that happened. I don't seem to have any independent thoughts anymore; anything that I can be inspired with and talk about just for the sake of talking about it.
I want to be brilliant. But don't we all want to say something worth being remembered for?
Quite honestly, sometimes I don't even want to be brilliant. Sometimes, I just want to be... I don't know what I want to be. I just want to be me. I want to write what I want to write; I want to say what I want to say; I want to be what I want to be. I just don't know what all of those are most of the time, and when I do see a little piece, I'm too afraid of someone finding out that I'm not who they think I am, so I don't let it show. Heh. "It." "Me." What's the difference?
Even this didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, expected it to... the way it should have. I suppose it's more honest that way. But it's not what I wanted it to be.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:13 p.m.
