Mon, Aug 27
... And I don't want the world to see me
Grrrr.... Sometimes I hate it when I do dumb things like accidentally erase the entire entry that I was just writing. I can be such a goof sometimes. Anyways, what was I saying? Well, that I'm totally excited to be going to visit Jen tomorrow... I've kind of not been as excited or expectatious for the past few months as I might have been--I've been so busy, that it's kind of crept up on me, and it's only really been since camp ended on Friday that I've started to really count down and get really, really excited about it. Not that I was apathetic about it before, but I'm just more excited now. It's almost not a countdown anymore, but it still seems sort of surreal. I think it won't completely sink in until tomorrow morning at 7:15 when I get to the airport. It's going to be an awesome week, though. I'm so excited to have a week off before school starts, for one thing, and I can't wait to hang out with Jen!
I'm listening to a Christmas cd right now. I was just in that sort of mood. It's always fun to do, especially in the middle of summer. Okay, getting towards the end of summer, but still a hot day. It's in weather like this that I'm glad I live in a basement. I'm sure it'll be cold in the winter, but right now, I'm thankful for it.
Ever have a time when things seem to fall back into old patterns and habits that you think--or maybe even hope--are dead, but somewhere, deep down inside, you know that they're really not. If ever given the opportunity, that's the default that life will fall into. And, that's what's happening yet again. It's always slightly different, of course, but in so many ways, it's always the same. Do I wish it wasn't? Of course. There are always things that I want to change. There are always things that I wish were different than they are. But do I wish things weren't going the way they are? Not yet. If they go too far into the old patterns, I know I will, but right now, it's not a huge issue. I just have to be careful that it doesn't become the big issue that it could. And, of course, the most effective way to do that is to not get back into the patterns, even into the beginning stages of them, now, but quite frankly, I don't really want to get out of this part of them. I don't want things to go a whole lot further than this into the pattern, but this, I don't want to give up. So that sort of puts me into a quandary, doesn't it? I guess the solution is just to have incredible willpower and self-control when it gets to that point. And even at this point, I have to be careful. Always careful.
I know I don't make much sense sometimes. That's okay, though. You don't need to know exactly what I'm talking about. No one really needs to know; I just needed to get it down to see if made more sense to me. Not much more, but I can pretend that it did. ;o)
infinite || abyss
posted at 4:47 p.m.
