Wed, Nov 7
... Learning to breathe
How do you relearn something that was so much an ingrained part of you that there's nothing left to say about it? Learning to breathe again. Learning to live. Trying to remember why I'm alive; why I love Him as much as I do. And I do, I really do, even when I don't think I do, or don't remember that I do.
I don't know how to say what I want to without sounding like I'm simply repeating what's been said to me; what I've heard for so long; what I've heard so recently. I have so much in my heart to say, and so many amends to make, but it feels like such a daunting process. I used to be so much further "ahead" in this game called faith; I used to be at such a "higher" place than I am now, and the most frustrating thing is wanting to be back there, but not being able to go as fast as I want to. My "satisfy me now" tendencies want it to be an instant success; want to be back where I should be as fast and as easily as I fell. Unfortunately, that's not how it works.
A successful day to me, right now, is one in which I take a baby step. One little step at a time, because it's a long, hard road back, even when I have Him holding my hand every single step of the way. If I stay where I was yesterday, it's a wasted day. If I move forward, even the tiniest bit, it's moving in the right direction, and movement is all I can ask for right now.
*****
Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance around Your throne
My life by captured fare You own
Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon my grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgened heart shall burst in vain
But not when love pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well spring lye
*****
No, that's not quite my beautiful words--it's by Jars of Clay--but it's my prayer. More than anything else right now, and now more than it's ever been.
infinite || abyss
posted at 4:50 p.m.
