Mon, Oct. 20
... This is what it sounds like
I stayed at school after class, supposedly so that I could be working on my Showcase, a paper for my Directing class, and an assignment for my History of Israel class.
I suppose I've gotten some of that done, although not nearly as much as I'd anticipated/hoped. My day just didn't quite turn out the way I'd hoped it would. Bleah. But I've got about 3 hours before Janna's finished with her rehearsal, so I've got some time still. And I will get at least one project finished. Completely finished.
I realized the other day that, with the exception of Shannon, all my close friends who have gotten married in the past year or so are younger than I am. That makes me feel really old, out of the loop, like I've missed out on something... you fill in the blanks. Like there was something that I was supposed to be a part of, and I'm not, and I won't be. I know that's irrational, but I just feel myself getting older. And I know I'm not that old, especially in terms of marriage, but I feel like I am.
Janna asked me the other day, out of the blue, if Brian was my first love. And as easy a question as that should be to answer, it never has been. I've never been able to answer it without large amounts of difficulty.
Odd. Maybe I'll never come to a conclusion about that particular question.
I don't know if I want to. Maybe my defining moment is that I don't have one. I know I'll fall in love again someday, but I know that I've already been in love, and if that moment comes for me sometime in the future, I can't say that it's the one and only moment.
I'm so confused. I'm confusing myself, and probably everyone else with me.
I was in a fine mood today, and for some reason, I've become very melancholy. *sigh*
I want to go back to New York. Or to Paris. Somewhere with romance built in.
I'm so not getting any work done right now. This, plus the NaNo forums are far too addictive.
And this is just frustrating. I'm relaly being self-defeating by being here and doing nothing. Grr.
infinite || abyss
posted at 6:00 p.m.
