Sun, Jul. 13
... How much this moment means to me
Why do I do it to myself? Am I really that much of a glutton for punishment? The songs, the music... it's not "bad" in and of itself, per se, but there's something about it that breeds discontent and makes something in me long for what I don't have.
The songs--that one lyric, the phrase--whether of words or instruments--that touches something deep inside. It's the poetry that connects with something deep and intimate. It's the piano line, the violin solo, that haunts my thoughts and chokes me up every time I hear it.
The movies. It's not the explicit sex scenes, but the moments caught in the shuffle of the rest of the movie. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her tight when he doesn't have anything to say; he kisses the top of her head as he goes past in the mundane day-to-day-ness of life. It's the buried line that's suddenly so profound that I have to stop the movie and rewind it, just to make sure I heard it right.
Are my expectations too high? Am I setting myself up for a fall that's going to be fast and hard? Am I just masochistically playing with my own emotions? What is it about the highs and lows, the reminders of what I don't have, that keeps drawing me back and refusing to let me let it rest?
All reminders of what I'm still waiting for. All shaping my ideas of what I one day want. Opening my eyes to a little bit more of the romantic realities of love. All just a dim reflection of reality, and a pale comparison to looking back on a lifetime filled with the romantic days and the hard days. A longing to come home and come to a home. More of a home than two roommates (wonderful as they are) and a cat can provide. As much difference between this and the real thing as there is between this life and real life.
A thought. This is as pale a reflection of the love of a lifetime as that love is of the love that transcends a lifetime. The songs, the images, the pictures painted that point to a reality far beyond the vicarious living of a movie--all these are real. They deepen the thirst for real love and leave me unsatisfied with what I have now.
How much more unsatisfied should even the purest of human love leave me? It's just as dim a reflection of the home that I'll have in heaven and the love that I'll feel there as a love song is of 50 years of marriage. Both the love song and the 50-year marriage fulfill an emotional need, both are necessary, and neither are bad, but neither are they what they could--and someday will--be. Both leave me longing for something purer and deeper.
�He has set eternity in the hearts of men�� There�s something that knows that it should want more. No matter how much I may try to deny it, there�s something inside everyone that knows that eternity is an imminent reality. We all know, somewhere deep inside, that there�s more to life than this life, and we can do one of several things with that knowledge. We can search for the fulfillment and live with the reality of that hole, but the promise of something better, or we can try to cover it up.
It�s the same thing when I listen to the music. There�s a void. I know that there�s an unfulfilled longing that I can�t wait to see gone. There�s something that my life to this point has been spent searching for. One da, (soon, God willing), it�ll be a fulfilled dream. But in the meantime, the songs that resonate can lead me to one of two (very general) conclusions. I can dream. I can learn what kind of wife I want to be; I can evaluate my standards in a man; I can become the hopeless romantic that will give me the rose-colored glasses through which to look at the bad days. Or I can settle for trying to cover it up by living vicariously through the movies, songs, and people around me, and trying to forget that it means something besides the fact that I�m lonely.
I want to keep hoping in something. I want the glimmer of a promise to sustain me and make the lonely nights go faster. I can�t let myself believe in nothing. I have to wait� hold on� look forward to my someone. I need the melody to play continually, to remind me not to get too settled. To remind me that I�m waiting, and this isn�t everything I�m holding out for.
Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself� it feels like home to me.
infinite || abyss
posted at 10:18 p.m.
