Sun, Mar. 13
... Into the hands of a brother
I'm continually amazed at just how long a Sunday can be. Especially when I'm teaching two services, and then working. Like today. I left the house at 7:40 this morning, and get off work at 9:40 tonight. In between, there were about 45 minutes of downtime. And yet, it feels like it's been two totally separate days. Just one of those kinds of things.
Stations of the Cross went incredibly well, though. Rushed as it was, it was still a terrific morning, and I think that something that impacted the kids in a big way. I hope it did, anyways. I had fun. I really like planning things like that--being creative and getting something new out of (or into) the lesson.
Next week, they sing their Palm Sunday song in the service. Picture this: Upwards of 100 kids and leaders, streaming into the service; singing, dancing (hopefully--as long as they get into it), and waving palm branches, with a video of Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey playing on the screen. The song is a CeCe Winans song, so it's pretty upbeat and energetic... I love it. It's so much fun, and it's such a good way to involve the kids in the celebration of Easter.
Anne goes up in far too few days. Four, to be exact. Am I ready? Uh, yeah right. We have three rehearsals to go, and I'm just now getting my cue list ready. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago that Laurel was telling me that she was planning on doing the show, and asking if I was planning to audition. At that point, I had no idea if I was even going to be in Calgary this year. But, yeah, here I am.
And here the show is. I'm not sure how to define it. I always have something to say about every show that I do, but this one... there are so many things, and in a lot of ways, it just defies explanation. It refuses to be pigeonholed into "a" show. One single definition. Apparently, it's just not going to work that way.
I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. My eyes are blurry, and I can't read straight. I don't make sense, even to myself, but I feel like I want to keep writing. The problem with that, though, is that I want to write far more than is healthy to say here. I want to say more than I can or should in such a public place, and if I keep going at this rate, with this lack of sleep, who knows what'll come out.
I just read through a whole bunch of entries from last spring--right around my showcase--and they were actually somewhat inspired. Or, at least, somewhat interesting. I had something to say, and the things I was talking about were making sense.
It was such a huge and heady time for me--where did that go? Has life settled into such a routine already, less than a year after graduation? No, not really; it's more just that the excitement isn't as massive. I'm not preparing my final project; I'm not graduating with a degree; I'm not getting ready to take Europe by storm for two months.
Instead, I'm teaching Sunday School; coming up with great lessons; starting to slog through the details of starting a company; rekindling friendships; directing shows; taking on the Creative Arts Department at church. The accomplishments are no less important, just less... huge. Monumental.
And that, my friends, makes them seem less.
I feel like I constantly live a paradox. One day, I come to peace with my life; the next, I hunger for more. I am always loving where I'm at and constantly striving for the next step. One foot is planted firmly in the here and now, and the other is taking as big of a giant step as possible towards whatever the future holds.
I don't know what I want, and every time I admit that--or something like it--I feel like I'm giving in to something, but I don't know what that is, either.
It's funny. I always thought that people who were older had all the answers. "Grown-ups" knew, didn't they? To all children, the adults in their lives are omniscient and omnipotent, and somewhere along the way, we realize that growing up is a never-ending process.
I'm babbling, and I'm jumping from topic to topic like you wouldn't believe. That's my headspace today, though. My biggest focus is Anne, Word, and UBAR, and I just can't concentrate on any of them right now.
How will I ever run a company when I can't even stay focused on one show long enough to write a to-do list?
I'll just chalk it up to the fact that it's 11:30 p.m., and I've been going nonstop for 16 hours already today.
You know what song just started running through my head at lightning speed? Neither of the Palm Sunday "Hallelujah" songs that the kids have been learning... no; it's the "Si ya hum ba ku ken nen kwen kos" song that we sang in Acclamation (and then on Mexico 2000) about 5 years ago. I'm totally spelling every word wrong, but it was just such a fun song to do. I'm not sure where that came from, but there it is, in full 3-part harmony.
My birthday is in less than a month. I need some brilliant ideas for something to do. I mean, it's not every day you turn 23, is it?
It'll probably be dinner and a movie with as many people as want to come. And if I'm being incredibly unoriginal, it'll be dinner at Cheesecake, which is where I went for my 20th birthday, my 21st birthday, my 22nd birthday... you think we need some new routines around here?
You think we need some sleep? Yeah, so do I. Tomorrow morning... oh, the joy... I scrub the floor. And I do mean scrub. This is no wimpy little rag mop. No, this is two hours of back-aching scrubbing. I love our floors at work. Really. I do. I want to find whoever decided that Quiznos floors should be the ones that we have and give him or her an award.
But I'm just too tired to do that right now. I'll hunt them down in the morning.
One year ago today: I had nightmares about my showcase last night. I don't remember all the details, but they included things starting so late that we started the show at 11 p.m., nothing being prepared, having no costumes, not having any powerpoint or video ready, running into poles onstage, and Logan laughing at me so hard that we couldn't do our dance. Not conducive to a healthy night's sleep, by any means.
infinite || abyss
posted at 10:34 p.m.
