Sat, May. 25
... Mirror mirror on the wall
Happy Birthday
Lynsae! Go wish her a happy birthday. Sign her guestbook and say nice things to her, because she deserves all the nice things you could possibly say. Oh, by the way, Lyns, I got my pictures from Shan's wedding developed; I'll give you the doubles of some of them next time I see you. They turned out really well. :o)
This week has been such a messed up one for me. Monday and Tuesday weren't really any day in particular; they were just stuck in there. Wednesday felt like Monday, but at work, I kept thinking it was Thursday. Yesterday felt like Tuesday, but today's felt like Saturday all day. It feels like it was just last weekend, but here it is, Friday again. I'm just a little screwed in the head, I think. I don't really know which way is up and which way is down. It's a good thing I don't do anything really important that depends on me knowing what day it is!
Have you ever told yourself and everyone else such a good lie that you started to believe that it was true? You forgot what reality was, and had to think really hard to remember what it was that actually happened. I sometimes do that, just in the little things. Something so small that it doesn't really even matter... embellishing the story a little to make it look a little better, and soon I've forgotten what the real story was.
Trouble is, I've got too good of a memory to lie and convince even myself of the "new" truth. I always remember those stupid little details that I never wanted to remember. I always remember the things that I was trying to cover up, and I can't convince myself without a slightly guilty conscience. That's a good thing, though.
I can't imagine convincing yourself of such a huge truth that you have no doubt in your mind that things were different. Not even the little things, but the big ones. The life-changing ones. The ones that really matter. How can you possibly remember them differently than they actually happened. I can understand forgetting the little details, but the big picture?
Maybe it's just the same, though. Maybe it's never really forgotten; just wishful thinking. That real reality is always nagging in the back of the mind, and that annoying little bit of conscience that's left just won't go away. I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. But I wonder.
This is going to be my year. Whatever that means. This is going to be my year, and I'm not going to let myself believe otherwise, or let anyone else tell me otherwise. That's half the problem. We talk a lot about negativity and positivity in the drama program, and how one person's attitude can affect everyone else's. It kinda sounds, at first glance, like new age crap, but it's just a fact. It's not. It's just the way things are. And it's the same for me on my own as it is for any group of people as a whole. No, I don't have control over what happens to me, or about anything like that, but I do have control over how I perceive life.
I'm excited. About the trip, about life, about this year, about the way my life is going, about finally healing and working through some of the issues that have been haunting me for years, about the fact that I've been blessed with great friends, about the fact that God loves me and has given me so much more than I've ever deserved, about the fact that I'm not alone, and I'm not hopeless. I'm just excited. Too tired to show it much, but I can't wait to see where God takes me, what he teaches me, and the ways he changes things. The ways that he takes my life and molds it--molds me--to make it what he wants it to be. To make me into the woman he wants me to be.
infinite || abyss
posted at 1:27 a.m.
