Tues, Jun. 25
... If I could only miss you
It's kinda funny how little I'm actually missing home. I'm not homesick at all, and I'm really not even missing any people in particular. I have the moments where I'm like, "Oh, I wish I could talk to so and so," but overall, I don't really. And please don't take that offensively if you're one of those people that I'm supposed to be missing to bits, but I'm not.
It's not even that we're so busy that I don't have time to think about it, because that's not it. We're busy, but not on an every-day-running-around-crazy kind of basis. It's more of a thing where there's a lot going on, and we have a lot to do, but it's more emotionally and mentally draining than physically. I have time to think about them and miss home if I want to; I just haven't really.
I think it's because this is so much where God wants me that I can't have it any other way. When it's time to go home, I'll be ready, I'm sure, but it's not that time yet, so I'm not ready. Right now, I'm so much in a state of healing and dependance on God that if I was missing home, I'd be missing out on so much of what God has for me now, and so much of what he's trying to do in my life. I think that he's keeping the homesickness away, and not letting it be a factor in what he's trying to do.
It's so good to be so removed from the situations at home... I mean, I'm not even overly curious about them! Of course I have a vested interest in things, but I don't absolutely have to know what's going on, and I don't htink about it all the time. It's nice to not be around anyone who's involved in them, in any way at all. Everyone here is from a different set of circumstances, and it's nice not to have the constant presence of people who are involved.
In a lot of ways, though, I'm realizing more and more by being away, how much I love my friends at home; how important they are to me. I'm seeing how incredible they are, and what an influence they have in my life, just because I see what I'm like when they're not around. I'm not a different person around them, or without them around; it's just that I'm so influenced by them that it takes their absence to see how much. When I'm around them, I don't see the part of me that they complete... it's not until I leave that I realize that. Testament is fulfilling a very different piece of my life than Kathy, Laura, Lynsae, Ness, Min, or anyone else does, or ever could. It's such a different situation, and I'm so grateful for the friendships that I'm developing with Janel, Dave, Chelsea, Sharla, and Jordan. I know my friendships with them will be stronger when I get back... but I know that my friendships with everyone else will be too, because I'll be that much stronger a person, and I'll have that much more to bring to a friendship; that much more of what God has taught me, and that much more of what he's shaping me to be.
It's not that I don't want to be there, or that I want to ditch everyone who's been involved in things at home, or that I want to forget about them and not see them resolved. I do. I completely and utterly do, but at this point in time, for these six weeks, it's not first and foremost in my mind.
So if you're emailing me about things at home, keep doing that! I want to know what's going on; I want to know what's new; I want to know what's happening with you. But I'm not worrying about them, and I don't miss being in the middle of them right now. It's just... peaceful. Nice to have a different set of concerns and day-to-day realities for a while.
infinite || abyss
posted at 4:54 p.m.
