Wed, Mar. 5
... Once upon a midnight dreary
I hate days like this. I feel like a lazy, unmotivated, worthless student. I'm an adult--I should be able to make myself do whatever it is that I don't want to do, but sometimes I feel like I'm still 8 years old, trying to figure out any way possible to get out of doing anything "un-fun."
There are so many things where I'm extremely disciplined, and I can make myself do it, even when I don't want to, because I've made the commitment to stick with it, and because I know it needs to be done. The end product is worth the work. Something like a play--any play. The rehearsal process isn't always fun; I don't always like spending hours every week in rehearsal or meetings; it's inconvenient to shop for props or costumes or whatever... but I would never consider not doing it. It means far too much to me to back out of it.
Why can't I feel that same way about school? I know I'll get it done; I know I'll do well, because I do put in the work, but I also know I'm not getting nearly as much out of it as I could be. I could--and should--be treasuring this, soaking every bit of everything out of it, because it's so valuable.
I'm less apathetic than I was a year ago; I'm more enthusiastic and appreciative than I've been for a long time... but that still doesn't mean I'm completely motivated.
If I can let myself out of it this easily now, what's going to happen when I have to work a "real job" in the "real world," and they're paying me to be there, not vice versa?
Maybe I'll just have to pray that I find a job that I love as much as I love working with my kids, because even when it's not the most fun, I can always be there. There's somthing about it that is a motivation, in and of itself. There's something about being the teacher, not the student, that gives me a greater sense of responsibility towards the whole thing.
I don't know... I do this whole school thing because I have to, and because I want the end product, not necessarily the journey to get there. Not the greatest attitude, I know, but there's something about the classroom stuff that's just driving me up the wall. I'm fine with the hands-on... I love doing Joseph, and even troupe, and everything like that, but a lot of what goes on in the classroom is just too much. I can't make myself get there any faster. I don't know if it's the classes themselves, or the time of day. A little of both, I think.
In any case, I have work to do. I should go find Laurel and then after lunch, I have Our Town work, it just so happens to be. And then there's a Joseph rehearsal, so I'll be here, up to my eyeballs in props. Figures, hey? But we open in two days, so if I'm not taking care of the details, who is?
One year ago today: Am I the only one who doesn't like doing things I don't do well in front of people? I'll try new things on my own, and when I'm by myself, I have absolutely no problem doing things that are challenging, new, or out of my comfort zone. Put me with my friends, though, and I shy away from doing them. I hate looking foolish; like I don't know what I'm doing. I would rather master something, and then surprise everyone by all of a sudden being able to do it well, and they had no clue that I even knew how to in the first place.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:56 a.m.
