Tues, Dec. 10
... Tears are falling, hearts are breaking
So apparently our shower is broken. Bleah. *sigh* Oh well... what can you do? Not much until the landlord fixes it, so there's not much use spazzing about it. Maybe I'll shower tonight at my parents'.
Because... tonight we've got the NaNo party there. Kinda crazy--my brother gets out of the hospital today, so no one's promising a clean house, but at least it's a big house! :o) Besides--I need to check out what kinds of furniture they have for me to take with me when I move. They said something about a dresser, but it needs to be painted, so I've got to figure that out somehow. Maybe I'll paint it over Christmas and transport it after that... but we'll see.
I should start packing, hey? Probably a good idea. I'm trying to motivate myself enough to get out some boxes and start... I feel like I've got a long time, still, but I really only have 2 1/2 weeks or so. Time flies. It doesn't feel like it's been close to a year and a half since Kat and I moved in here.
It's funny how different a place I am than I was in last year. I don't know that I've necessarily "grown up" all that much, but I know things have changed. I've changed...
But the frustrating thing is that things never seem to chance. The situations change, but the emotions that go along with them don't. I thought they would--I thought that the loneliness, hurt, loss, and isolation would disappear once my circumstances changed, but they haven't. They may feel a little bit different at times, but the root emotions are still there.
And then there are the days when I wonder if they'll ever go away... if they'll ever change... or if I'll be stuck here no matter where I am.
I thought that I would stop crying myself to sleep, that I would be happier, that life would be easier. I thought that everything would change, and it did--for a little while--but then life came crashing back down again, and it was all there, just the same as it was before.
Is it me? Do I have some ingrained emotional problems that keep me from living life... that keep me being surface? I look happy. Sometimes, I am happy... but that's only if you stay at a certain level. Get any deeper, and you'll find a very different reality.
Which one is the reality, though? I don't know. They both are. I don't know which one to listen to, which one is trying to take advantage of me. Something is. I just don't know how to stop it.
I'm rambling. I should stop this.
One year ago today: I'm so sad, and I feel a great sense of loss. Not an "I want this back" type of sadness; just a "why did it have to come down to this?" type of sadness. That's the question I keep asking myself. What went so horribly wrong? Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't care anymore, because I always will. There will always be a special place in my heart, and there will never, ever be a time when I don't care. The form that care takes and the way it's manifested may change, but the fact that it's there will never change.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:38 a.m.
