Sun, Nov. 3
... I wish I may, I wish I might
Do you ever want something so badly you can't get it off your mind? I don't mean obsessively, though. I don't know, maybe I do, but I think there's a difference.
It's not about spending every waking moment striving for it (although a fair percentage of waking moments are spent thinking of ways to strive for it!), and it's not about spending every possible grain of energy making sure it happens (although there's also a fair bit of energy that goes into it). It's more about wondering...
"I wonder how [this action] will affect [what I want]." Not in a calculated, I'm-making-every-decision-based-on-this kind of way, but in an "I wonder how I'll look back on this" kind of way.
I don't know how to explain it. I just know that I want something so badly right now, but I don't know how it'll affect everything. I just wonder. It's different, in a way, from anything I've ever wanted and prayed for, but in some ways, it's exactly the same.
I want to go into detail, but I don't want to right now. It would make it much easier to explain, but a sense of mystery needs to remain, at least for now.
Maybe I shouldn't have tried to write about this on here. It just makes it more trouble that it's worth. It's frustrating me, trying to write about it in specific enough terms to mean something, yet vague enough terms to keep information secret that needs to be kept secret for now.
Anyways. I'm going to talk about my novel for a while, just so that you don't end this entry on that note, and walk away all confused by me! :o)
I'm so excited for it.., my characters are starting to take on their own lives, and they're starting to actually have their own conversations and stuff. I think this is going to be an intense month. This is the kind of novel that doesn't require a lot of outside research, because it's something I know a lot about, but it'll require a lot of emotional energy. None of my characters are specifically biographical, as such, but there are elements of my own struggles, challenges, and victories in it.
I'm realizing that it's freeing to write about myself in thinly disguised third person. I don't have to be true to my own struggles. I don't have to try to sort out what I'm thinking and feeling. I can write about someone else's struggles, and if they parallel to mine, that's great. If not, oh well. They don't have to. I'm not lying in my own journal if I change them. And sometimes, I can see that much more clearly when I write them in someone else's life. It's not so close to home.
I think that this month is going to be one big soul-searching time for me... it's exciting, and kind of scary, and hopefully very enlightening, all at the same time. I don't think it could have come at a better time, though. I'll be busy, most definitely, and it'll be a challenge to write some days, but I don't think I could be in a more prepared state or a more thirsty state spiritually. I keep coming back to "I'm excited," and I am, but I should think of some other way to say it.
And I should go write for a while, before I dry up all my creative juices on here! :o)
If there are any other Nanos out there, let me know! I'd like to know how many of us are doing this, and who all is around. I know I'm starting to meet some other Calgary Nanos through the forums on the website, and I'm excited to go for coffee with them over the next couple of days... but if there are any other d*land Nanos who stumble across this, sign my guestbook or something. I'd love to stop by your diary and see how you're doing.
infinite || abyss
posted at 6:31 p.m.
