Thurs, Nov 29
... Angry words bottled up
It's quite crazy, really. Lyns and I are so much alike in this way... everyone thinks we're so outspoken and not shy about anything, but we're both so nonconfrontational and apprehensive about making people mad at us. It's almost laughable; almost comical. There's so much I want to say to people who tick me off, make me angry, or frustrated, or whatever. But I can never come right out and say it. I can vent to Lyns no problem; or Kat; or someone else, but I can never be bold enough to say what I really want to say to people when they upset me.
It's funny, because my family and people at church always see me as being so crazy and outgoing and weird... I can argue my way out of anything, so they say. But at Rocky, Cindy didn't know for the first semester that I'm one of the "nuts" ones... I guess it just takes me a while to come into my own. Lyns and Shannon were so surprised last year when I started being sarcastic, and weird, and doing crazy stuff with them... some places, I'm always known as the "quiet one," a label that some people find hard to believe! :o)
It's not that I try to put on masks for different people. I really am both of those sides. It just takes me a while to get comfortable enough with people to be "me" with them, rather than being the quieter one. There are good sides to both... when we've done Troupe affirmations, people have told me that they see me as someone who doesn't like to bring people down; who doesn't let her problems unload on everyone else she's around and bring down their day.
I just wish I wasn't so passive sometimes. I wish I could be bolder, and say what I'm really thinking, instead of being pushed over by certain people, especially. I hate that I can never say what I really want to, and that they can always walk away from the situation thinking everything's fine, even if it's not fine.
I'm getting better, with some people, in some situations; and I'm learning that it's okay not to be the crazy, weird, off the wall one. I can be calmer, quieter, and that's me, too. But there are times when I just want to say what I'm really thinking, and the words form perfect sentences in my brain, and then don't go any further than that.
But Lyns is just like me, and that makes me feel better. We can commiserate together about it, and at least vent to each other, even if not to the people we really need to be talking about it to. It's a step, I guess.
infinite || abyss
posted at 5:33 p.m.
