Thurs, Mar. 21
... Make me look crazy
Ah,
Lynsae, you make me laugh. I'm glad you found my
bowling experience funny... and yes, I did chuckle when I read that! And we're still thinking alike--of course! You just need to update more often, my dear. I'm going into withdrawal!
I miss Lynsae a lot. I'm excited to see her again, whenever that turns out to be... maybe at Shannon and Charles' wedding, but hopefully before then! That's 2 months away, and I know everyone's going to be so crazy-busy that we won't have a whole lot of time just to sit down and talk. I love how we're still such great friends, though, even though we don't see each other too often. We still know exactly what the other one's thinking, and we still have this crazy bond that we just can't seem to get rid of. :o)
I always claim to have a bad memory but honestly there are some things i see so vividly that i can close my eyes and almost be there. Good days, scary moments, all of it floods back and knocks me to the ground. Eighteen years is a long time to compile moments. I feel overwhelmed with my own history, all the moving around, all the best friends, all the promises, secrets, starting over and other such messy consequences of growing up...
I can see a grand hall with thousands of seats filled with everyone I've ever met. Dead silence with all eyes locked on me waiting to hear something that will magically put everything in perspective. read that here
Perspective, hey? What sort of perspective do I have to give? Do you want to hear my excuses for failing you? Do you want to hear my rationalizations for my mistakes; my errors in judgment? I can't give you that. I can't give perspective. I only know all these moments. I only know what it is that makes me, not what it is that makes you. Not what it is that makes your opinion of me.
All these memories... all these moments of life built up in my head, and that's about the only place they exist anymore. That's about the only place they can exist. But I can go back and be right there again. I can see, hear, feel, smell the details. I can step back in time for just a second and relive that moment, whether it was good or bad.
And all you see is the expression on my face. You don't see the dark sky with the tiny pinpoints of stars. You don't hear the traffic driving by, the people shouting to each other, the other noises that seem to block themselves out simply by virtue of the scene playing out. You don't smell the tangy scent of the end of winter mixed with the coffee shop, mixed with the little whifs of us that made it unique. You don't taste the biting cold against your cheeks and hands. All you see is the expression on my face when I go back and relive the moment. All you see is what makes me look crazy to the rest of you.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:34 a.m.
