Fri, Apr. 12
... Six years old
I remember the day I decided that my mom would not be one of my confidantes in my life. I have this vivid picture in my mind, of me in grade one--six years old--telling my mom about my day. I was telling her about a girl I went to school with--one I didn't like much--and telling her about what this girl, Candace, I think her name was, was doing. She asked me, "Well, how do you think Jesus would treat Candace?"
Even though I believed in Jesus, and I was thinking through, in a six-year-old way, how he would treat Candace, I didn't want my mom giving me the pat answers and moralizing the situation. At that moment, I decided that it wasn't worth it to tell my mom about what was going on in my life. I decided that if she was only going to give that response, I didn't want to have her knowing what was going on. And even now, fifteen years later, that same attitude is still there.
Over the years I've seen it more and more--whenever a situation comes up, it's either immediately judged (and me with the situation), or the answers and advice are too simplistic and base to be of much use. To this day, I don't tell either of my parents much of what goes on in my life.
It always grated on me the wrong way when they'd try to pray for things going on, or when they'd talk about "the Lord's will" or anything like that. Not because I didn't believe it--because I do wholeheartedly, and I have intense discussions with my friends about those same topics--but because there was just something about the whole situation that felt wrong in some way when it was my parents. I don't know exactly what it was (is), but it was always something that made me cringe. Not hugely, just a little bit.
Maybe it's a wrong attitude on my part; maybe it was some bad choices as parents (or even just as people who relate to kids in general) on their parts, but I think it was more likely a bit of both. You know what, though? Most of the time, I don't miss it. I've been blessed with other adults in my life who have acted kind of as "surrogate moms" for me, and who have been there to give me a more mature perspective and to actually help me think and work through the issues, not just give me the "right" answer. And for the most part, I don't miss having a close relationship with my mom.
Interesting how the smallest things can shape and change our entire lives, hey?
infinite || abyss
posted at 10:25 a.m.
