Wed, May. 29
... I'll show you love
I love quirky people. Maybe because I'm occasionally one of them. :o)
Last night, at Nexus, there was this girl, Jessica, who I hadn't met before. She was really friendly and everything, and seemed to be very comfortable with meeting new people. We were sitting there having a conversation about toes and feet and some other slightly odd things, and my bra strap was peeking out from my tank top. All of a sudden, she's like, "That's such a fun bra!" and she kind of looked inside the back of my shirt to see what the design on the bra itself looked like. It was hilarious! I laughed so hard. I'm not really one to invade others' personal space like that, but I don't care when someone else does it to me... I find it great when someone is comfortable enough with me to be odd with me. Especially someone I just met.
This week has been so much more of a return to the simple life that I was longing for when I visited Norm last weekend... it's been a blessing, finding the pleasure in the little things, letting myself be taken away and awed by the simple and the mundane, taking the time to relax and not be so overwhelmed by all that I still have to do.
Even emotionally, I'm realizing that I can totally distance myself. Not "distance myself" in the way that I'm becoming detached from people and closing myself off. It's actually quite the opposite--I'm letting myself be more free; more open; more loved; more loving. I'm just distancing myself from the soap opera crap that I have no need anymore to be a part of. I had my moment to deal with; I had my time when I had to be in the center of everything. Now, I'm just peripheral. I'm still involved, and I'm still part of everything, but not in the same way. It doesn't affect me the same way. Partly, it doesn't need to; partly, I'm not letting it. There's just no point in destroying my life any more than it already has been.
No, actually, it hasn't been destroyed. Altered, yes. Destroyed? Never. That would place all too much power into the hands of those whose goals resemble destruction far too closely. If I let any of this destroy me, I give in far too easily. I give up far too readily.
But there's too much to give up. Too much. I can't just walk away and let it go that easily. Life is too precious; love is too hardy. Both are so tenuous, yet so resiliant. Neither will die easily. And that makes all the difference. Real life, real love; they're worth hanging on--and holding out--for. I can't give the hauntings the satisfaction of destroying me. I can't let them have the final victory. I can't have the final victory, either. It'll only be a real victory when I someday learn to really give it up and just surrender. That day's a long time coming, though.
Until then, I celebrate the small victories. If all I ever do is wait for the momentous occasions, I miss out on 95% of what LIFE is made of. The little victories are what the big ones are made of. The little moments make the big ones that much sweeter.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:27 p.m.
