Fri, Aug 17
... Two steps forward, one step back
Kathy doesn't know what I should write. Neither do I. We're such a bunch of schmucks. *sigh* Oh well. We're going to a football game tonight... Should be entertaining. I don't know who all else is going, but hey, it should be good. Kathy, Barry, Ness, Edwin, Preston, and I are for sure going (if Barry manages to get his ticket).
Good grief. I can't believe how little I have to write. So much to say, so little to write. Actually, it's not that I have so little to write, it's that I have too much that I'm scared to post. That could end up being not too healthy for me, so I'm going to save all that for my written journal. That (most hopefully) won't end up in the wrong hands. And if it does... it'll be a lot harder to spread than this will. Although we all know that the gossip mill is alive and well. And, quite obviously, it's not that I'm worried that you I don't know will somehow use whatever I say against me. It's just that there are people who read this who know me in real life, and for them to have some of this would not be a pleasant situation.
Okay, enough talking about what I can't say and why I can't say it. I'm sure that everyone with a d*land diary understands what I'm talking about.
I lead the most pathetic life. Quite honestly, if anyone has advice for crazy, messed up, screwed up lives, let me know. This week has been as close to hell as I've been in a while. It's been tough, and sometimes, I just wish I could give up, but I can't, and I don't think I ever will be able to. It frustrates and annoys me sometimes, but I know deep down that I wouldn't change that fact for anything. I'd rather not be able to give up and keep going, than to give up and always wonder what would have happened if I hadn't. That's just the way it is. And it's not driven by obsession, or unhealthy whatever, but by love. Sometimes my motives aren't the purest, but they're getting there. I'm working on this whole "love others with God's love" deal, and slowly but surely, he's getting me there. Very slowly, but very surely. Two steps forward, one step back, and the steps forward outnumber the steps back. Just as long as I don't go insane before I get there.
On Wednesday night, Ken was talking about allowing God to change and prepare us, and he was saying that when we ask God for patience, he'll give it to us, but only by making it grow by putting us in a situation where we're forced to be patient. Same with growing humility, or discipline, or any other godly virtue we desire. He only gives them to us through hard work and perseverence; through struggles and trials. That's definitely what I'm going through right now. I'm looking forward to seeing the end result, and to seeing where God takes me and what he does in my life, but the journey is a hard one; one in which I have to trust him completely, because everything of myself that I trusted in is gone. Everything that I thought was constant isn't. Only God is the true constant in my life.
infinite || abyss
posted at 5:44 p.m.
