Sun, Jan 13
... That one life-changing moment
Flashback to high school tonight! I hadn't been to DQ after the Well in such a long time... since last year, but even then, we didn't go all that regularly, because of Seven Days being on Sunday nights and things like that... Anyways, we were there tonight with a bunch of people, and it was like a weird flashback-ish dream, but with different faces in some of the spots where there used to be the "old" faces. I felt like I was justified to be a silly kid for a while again. Like I didn't have to be the mature grown-up. Like I could do something dumb just for the sake of doing something dumb.
So, I said that I'd write something interesting, and since I have nothing really pressing to write about, I'm going to use a prompt. "Your entire world can change in a minute. Your life can be transformed in an instant. Recall a pivotal moment in your past that played a vital part in making you who you are today."
I am comprised of my "moments;" the good and the bad ones. The ones I treasure and the ones that, if I chose to, I would regret. All of them define me in some way or another, big or small. To this point, though, the moment that has changed things more irreversibly than any other was the moment when I knew I couldn't marry Brian. I don't like to write about him... I try not to think about our relationship that much, but it is something that happened to me. It's something that I can't--and I'm not going to try to--deny having happened, but I don't like to dwell on it. But when it comes to my most life-changing moment, he was part of it.
I'm not going to say that it was "my most defining moment," because that relationship is not what makes me who I am. Partly, yes, but just as equal a part as any other influence in my life. But it was the moment that changed the direction my life took. If I hadn't broken up with him; if I hadn't broken off the engagement, I would be married--or almost married--by now. I don't know if I'd be living here. My friendships would be radically different. My plans would be radically different. And I don't know how truly happy I would be.
We'd been together for 8 months; engaged for only a couple of weeks. He lived 12 hours away from me, and we'd met in person several years before we started dating, but most of our relationship--in fact, all of it before we started dating except for two occasions where we were at the same conference--was through letters, phone calls, and, mostly, instant messenger conversations. When we were together (in the sense that we were actually spending time together), we had fun, and we were always good friends, but I'd had doubts, on and off, for the entire relationship. I always managed to cover them up, though, and pretend that everything would be find and that I really could spend the rest of my life with him.
From the time we started dating, we were talking about marriage "someday." It was always at least in the backs of our minds, if not at the forefront of the conversation, and there never seemed to be any doubt that we would get married someday.
But like I said, there were always the nagging doubts. Always the questions, the "what-ifs," the seeking of something, I didn't know what, that was more than what he could offer me. There was always the pull of another, and always the temptation to leave. I just didn't heed them until it was too close to too late. Some would say that it already was too late.
Finally, though, I knew. Or rather, I recognized what I think I'd known all along. I couldn't marry him. I took the requisite "time to work things through" after I broke off the engagement. I very seriously prayed about whether or not we could just put off the engagement, but I already knew the answer to that, too.
Of course I sometimes wonder where I'd be and what my life would be like if I had married him. But I'm glad I didn't.
So, breaking up with him may not have been the single-most defining moment of my life, but it has definitely been one of the most--if not the most--life-changing. It's opened the doors for other decisions and other moments to define me, and to continue to define me, that I wouldn't have had the opportunity for if my life had taken the completely opposite path that it could have taken.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:08 p.m.
