Sat, Apr. 2
... Makes me want to lose myself
Funny how the concept of "home" changes. A few days ago, I was talking to
Becky about what I might do for my birthday, and I had mentioned that, instead of hitting the Cheesecake for the 3rd year in a row, I might do something at home. She replied that that sounded nice, and that it might be nice for my friends to get a chance to go out to the farm.
While I don't disagree with that--people seem to love dinner at my parents'--it wasn't what I was talking about. I meant doing something at my house, but it's funny how the perception of home changes.
I rarely refer to the farm as "home" these days--I talk about going to "my parents' place," unless I'm actually talking to one of my parents. I haven't lived there for almost 5 years now, though (minus a few months this past summer), and my room is definitely more of a guest room than it is my room. Even when I was there for the summer, I didn't hang things on the walls, I didn't have a lot of my clothes with me, I left the "guest room" stuff in the closets, I used the furniture that was in there... it was a very temporary situation.
At the same time, though, I don't have "my" home yet. I've moved so many times in the past 5 years that it's difficult to have ties to any one house. Memories, yes, but not "home" in that sense of the word.
I don't own a home, I'm not married, I don't have that long-term commitment to living in one particular place... I just kind of live wherever I do, with whomever it's most convenient to live. I like my house, and I like decorating as much as I can, and making it feel as homey as possible, but there are so many things that I just can't do at this point--things like painting, changing anything, buying matching furniture...
Home is a state of mind, I've heard it said, but even that can be hard to come by at this point in life. Even though school is over, I still find things so transitory that I'm not in that "settled" place.
Again, it comes to a place of not being in a long-term or stable(?) job, relationship, or house. Even without having all of them, they all help to contribute to the mindset of permanency and of home, but having none of them makes it difficult.
It's funny. I have such a strong foundation here, between my church, my friends, and my family, that I have more roots and background than many people do. That is a blessing, I know. And it strikes me that I could probably find a sense of home if I tried, but it's the thing about finding my own sense of home. Not one that's been handed down, or forged out of a sense of pity or duty...
I want to settle down. I want a home. Whatever that looks like. Well, I want the whole package deal--the house, the husband, the kids, the extended family, the pets, the yard... In time. Those take time to build, I know. So for right now, I'll settle for starting.
One year ago today: I'm at loose ends. Hence, I'm sitting in the computer lab at school, trying to forget that I have to entertain myself this evening, instead of running a show. And entertain myself I must, because if I don't, I'll be a blubbering mass of raw emotion. Maybe that's what I need to do, but it's not necessarily what I want right now.
infinite || abyss
posted at 2:26 p.m.
