Tues, Jan 8
... Why do I do what it is that I do?
Sometimes I really just wonder if all of this is really worth it. All of it. There's too much that seems to be pointless; too much that seems to be fighting against itself to happen; too much that I can't see the end of; too much... too much. It's not even the sacrifices that seem to be too much right now. It's not what I'm
choosing to give up, or suffer through, or whatever. It's what's happening without me choosing it. It's more about the obstacles than the sacrifices. There's a
huge difference.
But, then again, nothing worth having ever came easily, right? That's what I keep telling myself. It's all going to be worth it in the end. The things I'm choosing, and the things I'm not. It'll be worth it in the end. Things will be stronger because of all of this.
I just wonder why I do it. Why am I spending all this money, all this time, all this effort to get my degree, when what I really want to do is be a mom, stay home, and raise a family. I "know" why I do it. I do it because, no matter what sort of ministry God calls me into, no matter where I go, I want to be the best that he's called me to be. I never want to do a half-hearted job for God, and this training, this experience will help me to be that best that God calls me to be. That's why I do it. It's just easy to lose sight of that sometimes; it's easy to look at all of this and say, "But I'm not going there!" But I never know. I don't know right now where God's going to call me; I don't know what I'm going to do in the long run.
As for everything else... everything is going to work. It'll be worth it. The sacrifices, the obstacles, the effort, the time, the dedication, the pain, the happiness, the fun, the work... all of it will seem like nothing someday. It will be worth it. No matter what happens. Keep clinging to that; so will I, and we'll make it through.
infinite || abyss
posted at 2:44 p.m.
