Wed, Feb. 18
... Rise above us all
Okay. We're all adults here. I've got to stop acting like I'm in grade 8, and actually get something done with this.
It amazes me that I can get to the point where I'm willing to go for coffee with someone... hoo boy. Long story behind that one, and she's sitting about 20 feet away from me, which, in itself is weird. I met her about 4 years ago--we hit it off really well, right away. Bonded over some stupid story about a creepy guy on a Greyhound bus, and stayed up half the night talking about it, and everything else. We spent the week together, and then kept in touch over the next year or so... and then... a boy came into the picture.
Neither one of us was dating him, but we were both sort of involved with him (yes, he was a jerk), and so we were both kind of the "other woman." That kind of put a kink into things... put a bit of a strain on a friendship that was fun, but wasn't all that strong anyways--based more on a few weeks together and fun times then, rather than a solid bond that had been built over time. Still, it was awkward whenever I saw her.
Which hasn't been for at least 2 years--about the time that things with this boy ended for me. Our paths just haven't crossed, and neither one of us has really made an effort to contact the other one...
Until I saw her on Sunday, when she was at church, visiting another friend who lives in the city. It was a little bit awkward, but more in the sense of, "Wow, it's been forever since I saw you, and I'm not really sure what to say" sense, as opposed to the, "Hi, I hate you; you stole my boyfriend" sense.
So, we're going for coffee tomorrow, and I'm actually pretty excited about it. I mean, enough time has passed that I'd hope we can work past all the junk and just hang out, without all the history. Because, really, the history isn't that important in the big scheme of things.
So why can I do that in some situations and not in others? Why can I let it go enough to hang out and try to reclaim some of the bond that was there four years ago?
I can't leave like this. I can't move in two weeks; I can't graduate in 2 1/2 months and leave things like this. We've come too far to let it end this way. I just don't know what to do about it. Or rather, I don't know if I've got the guts to do what I have to do about it. I don't know. It's a combination of both. Part of me doesn't know what I need to do; part of me knows that I know the first step, and if I'd just take it, things would be okay. Not perfect, but okay.
There's got to be something better than this. A better way to go out with a bang. This isn't quite the kind of "bang" I was thinking of.
I've been talking about how tired I am of everything being this way, and yet, am I willing to do anything to fix it? Sometimes it seems easier just to let things sit than to do the work it would take to make it better.
I should be working on an assignment right now, and instead I've been ranting and raving about this. Have I made up my mind to do something about it? Yeah. Will it stick, and will I actually do something? I hope so.
I'm sick of writing about this. It feels like my life revolves around nothing else. Really, that's not the case. There's so much other stuff going on, but I just don't have the need to write about it all. I'm not sure why I'm so focused on this, but for some reason or another, I am.
There's so much other stuff to do that I need to focus my energy on. And I've been letting myself pay way too much attention to this for way too long. It's time to deal with it or forget it. One of the two. It can't stay this big of a deal. It should never have gotten this out of control in the first place. It's amazing how the littlest things can snowball into something so huge.
Remind me to write about an interesting conversation that Kevin and I had about acting yesterday. But right now, I've gotta run.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:53 a.m.
