Sunday, Nov. 04, 2001
... Am I stretching my heart?
Today in the van on the way to Camrose, we were talking about Craig, Norm, the Well, missing Norm, how we're still having a hard time accepting Craig... all that stuff. Joanne said something incredibly true, that I've never really thought about, but that's totally applicable--we're grieving a loss, almost like someone we love has died--and it takes time to get over that. It's not something that you can just get past in one day, or even in over a year. It's something that will never completely be gone... there will always be a little spot reserved in our hearts for Norm, and that'll always be something that neither Craig nor anyone else will be able to fill. We'll move on, and other pastors, if not Craig, will have different significant places in our hearts and lives, but there'll always be that spot. Just like there will always be a spot for every "best friend" I've ever had, no matter how long I stay in touch with them.
Speaking of hearts, Kat had an incredibly profound truth the other day. She was talking about attraction to different people, and how that comes and goes sometimes, but sometimes it seems like there's one person who you always like, no matter what. Say, Sally* has liked Frank* for a really long time, but then things don't work out between them, so eventually she starts dating Bob*, whom she truly likes, and isn't just a replacement for Frank. Because she's liked Frank for so long, though, and he's such a big part of her life, there's still a little part of her heart that belongs to him, and there's still a tiny part of her that's attracted to him, and that feels that weird twinge when he walks into the room. It's not a big enough piece to warrant breaking up with Bob, even though she may have wanted to date Frank for a long time before that, but it's there nonetheless. If, for some reason, in some way, Frank were to start acting on that attraction, and start playing with that, Sally would feel tempted to let things happen with Frank, but if she didn't let God have control there, and if she tried forcing things to happen, she'd be trying to stretch that piece of her heart, and it just wouldn't work. It might seem like it for a little while, but eventually, it would snap back to its original size, and there wouldn't be anything there to hold onto, except the same tiny piece of heart that was there in the first place. If, at some point, God decided to stretch that piece and give her feelings for Frank, all the while, taking away the feelings for Bob, that would be a completely different story, but if she was doing it on her own, it wouldn't be cool, and it wouldn't work at all.
Which brings us to the crucial question. Am I stretching a piece of my heart? Am I trying to make something fit that was never meant to fit, or that's not meant to fit now, or what?
But onto a slightly lighter topic, while we all ponder that life-altering question, I had a blast today. The trip was so much fun; the van ride with Kat, Barry, Steve, and Anya was so great, and the Well tonight was so much fun. Daryl and I have so much fun together... I love leading worship with him! And he got me a full-sized keyboard tonight; not the crappy little "ambient" half-sized one! Actually, it's a good one, but it's better for a backup keyboard; for someone playing ambient stuff while someone else does the more detailed keyboard work. I walked into rehearsal, saw it, and started jumping up and down, because I was so excited for it! We sit there during practice and reminisce (and mock each other) about how bad we were way back, 5 years ago, when he was first starting to learn to play guitar, I was attempting to (that didn't last long!), and I was just learning to play piano from lead sheets. We stunk! But we've both improved immensely, and it's been fun to grow up together in that way. We've had our ups and downs, but he's so much like my big brother. I'm so glad he's still my friend, and I'm so grateful for his place in my life. And we work well together. It must come from all those nights of Saturday Nite Cafe, back in the day, when we'd have 3-way waterfights in the kitchen, all skip out of cleanup, and have huge in-depth conversations around the dessert table. Ah, when we were young and foolish..... :o)
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I'm not enough of a geek to have friends named Sally, Bob, and Frank! ;o)
infinite || abyss
posted at 10:15 p.m.
