Thurs, Nov. 21
... My heart is drenched in wine
La la la. It's all about... I'm not sure what. Meh. This entry is going nowhere fast, but that's okay. :o) I got two big suitcases of costumes from a guy at church. I'll have to sort through and launder them, since they are apparently quite old, but that's exciting that they donated all that stuff to us. Yay us! :o)
So there was a guest lecturer in my English Comp class today, and I was talking to him after class, and apparently he remembered seeing me in Fire Arrows. That was four years ago! Weird...
I'm in a strange mood. I'm excited and eager for whatever's coming, but at the same time, I'm melancholic and really sometimes wondering about myself. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling, and how I'm supposed to view the people and relationships in my life, so I keep vascillating back and forth between nearly every imaginable emotion, and I don't know which one to pick. I can't seem to find a happy medium; instead, I go from one extreme to another.
This can't be healthy. This isn't how I want to live. It's funny, though, because I'm more stable now than I've been in a long time. I'm healthier and more focused than I've been in at least two years, but I'm still not who I want to be.
Will I ever be? I don't think so. I hope that someday I will be, but I can't even be sure of that. It's a continual process, but I wish I could see some markers along the road, telling me where I'm going and how it relates to where I've been. I want to see a map that will let me know that there's somewhere out there--that I have a destination beyond just survival. I want to stop looking, and just find.
One year ago today: Sometimes, though, I think that we don't give enough credit to the other ways that God speaks. Ok, obviously the Bible is the foremost, most infallible source of God's truth, but there are so many other ways that he speaks. A powerful, inspired sermon? God's word. So then, does Hebrews 4:12 not apply there? Are those words not "living and active"? Can they not penetrate and judge? Advice from a friend? Same thing. Creation itself? There we go.
infinite || abyss
posted at 1:30 p.m.
