Wed, Jan 23
... Outside looking in
I don't know what to say. I just don't know. I didn't have my script memorized for class today... I feel like I let Cindy, Laurel, and everyone else down, but I just couldn't get it memorized. I worked my butt off on it, and couldn't get it. It's like all my extra energy this week went into just living, not anything else. Nothing spectacular. I feel like everything non-essential has been pushed off to the side, and even schoolwork has become "non-essential" right now.
Sometimes, I feel like such a failure. I feel like I'm the odd one out, like I don't really fit into the theatre group. Like I'm just some wanna-be with no real place to call home. Like I'm the little sister that tries to tag along whenever everyone else is doing something, but it's never really my party. I'm just always there on the sidelines.
Cindy was talking today about affirmation. Why am I doing this? Get my affirmation from God. Stop comparing myself to the rest of the class. Easier said than done. I'm okay with the fact that I'm not at the top of the class. I've never been a brilliant actor. Even in high school, I wasn't at the top because I always got the lead, because I didn't. I got where I did, and I got the marks that I did, because I worked my butt off. I spent twice as many hours as everyone else working in the tech room, memorizing my lines, making sure that what I did was the best it could possibly be.
Here, though, I feel like I'm... I don't even know what I feel like. I don't know where I fit in, and I don't know what my place is. I'm not going to Hollywood, and sometimes, even here, I feel like that's looked down upon. I feel like it makes me a "lesser" student. I don't know... Maybe I'm just reading too much into things. Maybe no one intends that. Maybe I just need to try harder to get "into" the middle of things. I just don't know.
It's not even that I want to be at the top of the class. I know that I'm not aiming for pro acting, and I know that's not where God's called me. I don't want that to be my life, and I'm perfectly fine with it. That's not what it is. I'm grasping for something unattainable and just out of reach. Something I can't quite see, touch, or feel, but that I know is out there, and I'm trying to find. But I don't know what it is, and my brain hurts from thinking about it so much.
I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of not being able to fall asleep at night because the worst dreams aren't the ones that come when I'm asleep, but they're the ones that come before I fall asleep. I'm tired of being left out in the cold. I'm tired of pretending that I fit in and that everything's great. I'm tired of all of it. I don't know what I want. From myself or from anyone else. I just don't know anymore. I don't think I ever did.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:02 a.m.
