Mon, May 5
... Any other person
Bah. I hate losing my entries. Even when I hadn't written anything of huge significance yet.
It's going to be an interesting week. Vulnerable, stretching, interesting, but fun. Small class, and even though there's work, it's definitely easier than some of the other spring courses I could be taking.
I'm so self-conscious when I'm on camera. I mean, I think that I did a good job today, especially for the first time I've really been on camera, but I don't like my voice, and I think my face is too round, and I have zits because I'm PMS-ing, and my jaw does funny things when I talk, and and and... I have to get over my issues. Seriously. I mean, there's no one in that class that I don't trust, and everyone else has the same ideas about themselves. But still. It's going to be an interesting week, and I don't know who I'll ever let see those tapes.
Getting new ideas for after I graduate. There are so many options, and so many goals, but I just don't know how to get to the end result that I want to be at in five years.
It's weird. I've never pictured myself being single at this point in my life. I've never had a specific plan, but that's always been the image that I've had of myself. Married (or at least engaged) by 21 or so, and planning my post-school future with someone else, not by myself.
In the past year or so, though, I've realized that there's a possibility (however small or large that possibility may be) that I'll be single when I graduate, and I've been starting to think about my future in terms of being by myself. It's a weird shift, and it hasn't been a conscious one, but I've started noticing it lately. I don't know how much I like it, either.
So many of my dreams have always revolved around being a wife and mother, and most of them still do, but there are some that are starting to stray from that. It makes me wonder how those dreams will fit into my life when I do get married and have kids. Will I fulfill them before then, or will they become incorporated to my life as a wife and mom, or will they go on hold, or will they just remain unfulfilled... I don't know. It'll be interesting to see how they mesh with someone else's dreams, goals, and lifestyle, and how they remain individually mine.
One year ago today: I want to be desired; I want to be important enough that someone will pursue me without regard to what I can do. Just because of who I am. Just because I'm me, and for them, that's worth it. I'm worth chasing, just because of who I am, not because of what I do, or anything other than who I am. I don't want to be loved because of what I can do for you, or what kind of status I give you, or how you feel when you're with me.
infinite || abyss
posted at 9:44 p.m.
