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Alida: A 23-year-old Canadian exploring the infinite abyss that is New York City.

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recent posts

Uncle Richard, me, and James Earl Jones - Tuesday, Apr. 04, 2006
So beautiful when the boy smiles - Sunday, Apr. 02, 2006
One way or another - Sunday, Dec. 25, 2005
Way up high - Saturday, Dec. 10, 2005
Reason to start over new - Friday, Dec. 09, 2005

archives

2005: January February March April May June July August September
2004: January February March April May June July August September October November December
2003: January February March April May June July August September October November December
2002: January February March April May June July August September October November December
2001: May June July August September October November December

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Diaryland
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I just started a sentence, "Sometimes, I wish that..." and then I realized that I don't know what I wish for anymore. I don't know what I'm allowed to wish for; I don't know how far is too far. I want a lot of things. The problem is that I don't know what I really want. At least, that's what I try to convince myself. I think that deep down, I know what I want. The problem is that what I want is too contradictory. I want completely opposing things.

Most of all, though, I want to know what my deepest wants really are.

Somewhere along the line, my choices became more than just the sum total of my experiences. They became bigger. Deeper. More life impacting. It scares me to think that I make choices that affect the rest of my life. I'm not ready for that responsibility! I'm not ready to be deciding what the next fifty years are going to look like!

But I am ready, and I have no choice but to be ready. This is what I have, this is what's in front of me, and what I have to deal with, and either I make the choices and I handle what I really am ready to handle, or I curl up in a little ball and stop living. I wasn't ready for this a year ago, but I am now. I am, because I have to be, and if I'm not, I'm going to screw myself over a lot worse than I already have.

I have no choice, and I like it that way. If I did, I don't think I'd ever let myself grow up. As it is, I just do. It comes by default, and I either deal with it, or I don't. But since it's already here, I just... do. There's no other way to debate it or rationalize or justify. There's no excuse for not. I just do.
infinite || abyss