Tues, Jan 15
... When I grow up
I wonder what I would have thought of myself five or six years ago, when I was in junior high, if someone had told me that this is who I'd be today. Am I the kind of person I would have looked up to? Not if someone had told me five years ago what the public perception of me would be now, but if I'd known who I
really am.
I was such an idealistic kid. I thought I knew everything about the world and what it "should" be like. I knew every facet of right and wrong; I knew all things I should and shouldn't do; I knew who the "good" people and who the "bad" people were, and I knew what to do with each group of them. I had every answer for every problem, and I wasn't afraid to share it with anyone who would listen, even for a minute. The world was at my fingertips, and I was going to solve it all.
The older I get, though, the more I realize that I don't know. The more life I live and the more I learn, the fewer answers and the more questions I have. I still believe in absolutes; I still believe in right and wrong, and the essential fiber of who I am and what I believe is the same now as it was at 14. Still, though, I keep learning that every story has a bcakground. I'm learning that I can't judge based on first appearances, even if something is wrong. I don't know what led someone to do that wrong.
Sometimes, I wish I was the person today that I thought I'd be back then. My life would be a whole lot simpler if I had the answers now that I thought I did then. Or if I'd lived according to everything I held so dear.
I remember how I used to think that everyone out of high school had their lives perfectly together; that they were old enough to make every decision for themselves; that they had every answer they'd ever need. That magical "grown up" ability, you know. I wonder sometimes if younger kids see me that way. Sometimes I wonder if they think I've got my "perfect life" all together and I don't have to worry about any of it.
If they're anything like I was, though, if I tell them the truth, they won't believe it anyways.
infinite || abyss
posted at 2:46 p.m.
