Sat, Nov. 16
... No reason, no rhyme, just the scars that remain
Yay for hanging out in Banff with
Laura. And for massages. And for seeing
Norm. And for the Fudge Shoppe. And for gourds appearing randomly in my purse after hanging out at the
Millers' for the evening. And for procrastination. And for not having to be at the early service tomorrow morning. And for Offerings tomorrow night.
It was a good day. Laura and I had a great weekend in Banff... it was really good to just get away from everything for a day--not that I've been doing much of anything, but still, it was good to get away from all my procrastination. We had a great time seeing Norm, too.
I was just about to write, "I miss that guy," but the truth is, a lot of the time, I don't. I don't really miss him all that much most of the time anymore. Yeah, it was tough at first, and yeah, it's good to see him when I do, but it's been 2 1/2 years, and if I spent all that time missing him intensely, I'd be wasting a lot of time. Not that it's a waste of time to miss Norm, but you know what I mean, right? It would be rather difficult to move on with life, and I think that in the first year, that hindered a lot of us--we weren't moving forward, and we made life a lot more difficult on ourselves than we could have.
I don't know... Norm was so influential in my teenage years that it seems almost disrespectful or something to not miss him so much. I think it's healthy, though. I still respect his opinion very, very much, and I still look up to him as an incredibly godly man, and someone I would want my husband to emulate, but he's not in my life on a day to day basis like he was for 6 years, and that's something that I've--that all of us have--had to learn to deal with in the past few years.
But regardless of all that, it was great to see him, and it never ceases to amaze me how big his kids are getting. I mean, Karalee and Jordan were only 4 and 2, and Lindsey wasn't even born when they first came to Foothills, and now they're... 13, 11, and 8? I think. Something like that. Makes me feel old. Leona wasn't home; last time I got to see her was when I was out there just before I left for tour this summer.
I don't know what's wrong with me... I'm so passionate about some things, and I just don't care about others. Some days--some hours--I'm happy, enthusiastic, and all gung-ho for life; others, I'm down, depressed, and ready to give up. Sometimes I feel like I'm too happy and I feel bad because my friends aren't, but at the same time, I feel like I'm just putting on a mask, and I'm more sad than I appear to be.
*sigh*
I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being happy. I'm tired of the roller coaster--I just want to be stable.
But I'm a woman. That's not possible, is it?
One year ago today: Except for last semester. I couldn't wait to demolish that stupid tree that took four of us to carry around, that kept breaking, that we had to touch up with magic markers, that our rather delinquent set guy, who hadn't shown up to actually make any of the set, decided to repaint on opening night. No, we were not too overly pleased with him. No, no, no. That is why he no longer does sets. That was one set I was not sorry to see go far far away into set heaven. Or in that stupid tree's case, set hell. I'm fairly sure that's where it would have gone.
infinite || abyss
posted at 10:58 p.m.
