Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005
... Scared to know I'm always on your mind
I�m going to miss this.
I�m going to miss all of this so much. This morning, Becky and I were talking, for the first time, about how much we'll miss each other. I can�t start missing them yet. I still have 4 weeks.
I haven�t imagined actually leaving, though. I haven�t actually thought about what it means to leave. To not see them every single day. To not have that connection and familiarity and second family. They are my other family, after all. These are my other aunts and uncles and cousins, and I�m going to miss being a strangely extended part of that family.
Wow. I�m going to be a mess for the next few weeks. I can already tell. Little by little, the countdown begins, and I have the choice.
Either I let go a little bit more of everyone and everything every day, and I start to withdraw even now, or I pack as much into these next few weeks as possible. One way, I miss people a little less when I actually leave, but I miss out on everything that I could have between now and then. The other way, I feel like a piece of me is being ripped out when I go, but I have more richness in the meantime. Is that really a choice?
Yeah, that�s the thing. It�s a choice. If I just go by default, I�ll pull away. I�ll live the easy way, because that�s the kind of person we all are. It�s a conscious choice to take the high road, and to make the tough decisions. It wouldn�t be the high road if it was easy.
But I want to have no regrets, including the way I spend the last few weeks here before I go. There are enough things that are difficult without adding to it. You know what I mean?
I�m going to be a mess. I�ll do everything in my power to make the choices to have the most fun I can in the next few weeks, but don�t be surprised if I start getting teary-eyed over the stupidest little things at the most inconvenient times.
I�m actually leaving. You know, I don�t think I�d actually thought about that part of it before.
infinite || abyss
posted at 10:28 p.m.
