Fri, Mar. 21
... Finding it hard to believe
Far too awake at 8:30 on a Friday morning, unprompted by an alarm clock, for my own good. Maybe it's because I can't breathe, and my body figured that it would be better off awake, so it can prompt me to take some drugs. Or something.
I registered for next year's courses yesterday. Or, more accurately, next semester's courses. First semester of my fourth year. My senior year. My last year of post-secondary education. How bizarre is that? The past three years have just flown by. I can't believe I'm graduating. I especially can't believe I'm doing it in 4 years. I always thought it would take me longer--especially since this year wasn't as full as my first two. But it looks like I'll be finished next April. I'll have "training," whatever that means. I'll be "qualified." For what, we're not sure.
I'm not this grown up. I'm still a little girl with crushes and a runny nose. I still get nervous when I have to try something new, and I still get intimidated by the "cool" people. Everyone is still more qualified than I am, degree, diploma, or no education whatsoever. I've been doing this for three years now. Am I any closer to being ready than I was when I started?
It doesn't feel like it's been that long... but it has. It's been three years since I was getting my dress ready for my high school grad, and now I'm trying to get my life ready for after college grad. In some ways, my first year doesn't even feel like it was in the same sphere of events at all. Dorms feels like a totally separate time warp, and yet it was all part of the package deal of coming to Rocky.
At the beginning, these four years seemed to stretch out forever. I mean, four years is longer than the total time I was in high school. And high school went fast, but it wasn't that fast. And besides, I'd be 22 by the time I graduated. That was ancient to my 18-year-old mind. Well, maybe not quite "ancient," but at least by the time I was 22, I'd have life figured out and know where I was going.
Heh. If that's going to happen, I'm going to need a pretty major smack upside the head with all the answers in the next year, because I'm pretty sure I'm nowhere near that now!
One year ago today: And all you see is the expression on my face. You don't see the dark sky with the tiny pinpoints of stars. You don't hear the traffic driving by, the people shouting to each other, the other noises that seem to block themselves out simply by virtue of the scene playing out. You don't smell the tangy scent of the end of winter mixed with the coffee shop, mixed with the little whifs of us that made it unique. You don't taste the biting cold against your cheeks and hands. All you see is the expression on my face when I go back and relive the moment. All you see is what makes me look crazy to the rest of you.
infinite || abyss
posted at 8:38 a.m.
