Fri, Aug. 30
... I must be lonely
Ah... I love not being able to sleep. Especially when I decide that 12:30 a.m. is the perfect time to tackle the huge--and ever-growing--pile of dishes. I'm sure Kat doesn't mind, if it means that I get them done, even if she does think I'm a little odd. But such is life, right? Hot chocolate's good for falling asleep... especially with milk in it. Warm milk is supposed to make you sleep, but warm milk by itself is (I think) kinda disgusting. Sooo... if chocolate doesn't give you a caffeine buzz, hot chocolate works wonders.
I'm really quite perturbed at my body, though. It's not supposed to decide that it's time to start getting onto a completely random sleep schedule now... it's only a week till school starts! I'm supposed to be getting "normal," whatever that means, not finding myself awake until 3 a.m. Although I suppose, for some, that's a college student's definition of normal. Or their definition of an early bedtime. I have enough that's going to stress me out this year... I don't need to add lack of sleep to that list.
So, I officially transferred into the diploma program today, and out of the degree. It's such a relief just to have that decision made and over with... although I know I'm not finished dealing with it.
I feel like I have to justify and explain my decision to everyone... like people are looking down on me and judging me for getting a diploma instead of a degree, at least at this point. Who knows what the future will hold. However, for the moment, I'm just going with this.
I know for a fact that I won't be able to handle 3 more years of Rocky. I'm barely making it as it is; if I have to go for that much longer, I swear I'll have some sort of a breakdown. I don't know if it's the school itself, or if it's school in general, but I'm just not cut out for it.
I never thought I'd hear myself say that. I loved school. I was one of those kids who loved learning; liked school, liked my teachers, was always looking forward to more. But I think I've just gotten to the point where enough is enough. I can't dedicate my life to the theatre program. Ministry theatre is my passion; the program isn't, and maybe I shouldn't be pouring so much time, energy, and money into something that's just making me unhappy and making me stress out.
I'm not saying that it's a bad program or school. It's not. They're both terrific, and I think they have a lot of strong points. However, I don't think it's the right thing for me right now.
You know how sometimes you make a decision, and you know you're running away? You just know that there's somewhere else that God wants you to be, and you're just not there. You don't want to be there, so you're pulling a Jonah and catching the next boat out? No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you're not doing it, you know when you are. There's that feeling in the pit of your stomach that just tells you that you're not doing the right thing... you're running, and you're not supposed to be.
Well, I don't have that feeling. I feel very calm about my decision. At least, as calm as I feel about anything in life these days. I feel like I have to justify it, and that frustrates me, but the decision itself doesn't. I feel like there's been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I only have 8 months to go, and I can see the end of the tunnel. It's not some obscure promise that doesn't seem to be coming true.
And, to be honest, I'm excited. I'm excited to graduate and move on with my life; to build a life outside of school. I'm not really excited to start building that alone, but right now, that seems like the way it is. But I'll deal with that when it comes. I'm excited to get a full-time job, and to have a bit more stability that I get in the theatre program... I'm excited to get a new house (although I wish Kat was coming with me)... I'm excited to get furniture that's not necessarily all on a college student's budget (and decorating scheme--hand-me-downs from anyone who will give them to us!).
I think it's going to be good.
I'm just worried about getting through this year so I can get there, period.
But I'm going to try to get to sleep earlier than I did last night. I think the hot chocolate's working.
infinite || abyss
posted at 1:56 a.m.
