Mon, Dec 24
... Joooiiiiiinnnn ussssss!!!
Happy Christmas Eve! :o)
Sooo..... watching Evil Dead until 4 in the morning is a great way to get into the Christmas spirit... Mmmmm.... milk and mashed potatoes! ;o) And yes, I realize that that's a *gasp* inside joke, which only two people will get, and that it's kinda bad manners to write it in a public diary, but oh well! It's my diary, and I can put inside jokes in it if I want to... But you can always join us... and then you'll know what the joke meant. Okay, I'm finished with that incredibly lame humor now.
And I see it all... This time, I know what to be wary of, and I know exactly how much leeway I'm giving. I can see, this time, what I didn't see, or chose not to see, all the times before. And I know now not to give too much, not to open up too much, not to trust too much, not to bee too vulnerable, and don't worry. I'm not. Every word, every action is carefully weighed and balanced, and taken into consideration--what will this do in the long run--before it's said or done. Kind of takes away the spontaneity, but that's a sacrifice that I'm willing to make for the sake of my... heart? Sanity? Emotions? Future? All of the above, I think.
A peaceful coexistence, right now. No battles, no wars, no fighting. But no closeness, either. It makes me sad, makes me dissatisfied with the neutrality, yet at the same time pushes me on to maintain that state. I know the alternative. I know what will happen, and I know the roller coaster that will ensue if I let anything run away. I've ridden that ride far too many times, and I don't want to again. I'd rather stay on the flat, somewhat boring, but safe ground and sacrifice the heady exuberant ups for the sake of getting rid of the angry, bitter, depressing downs.
So don't worry. I'm not giving in. I'm not going back. And I'm not weakening. Christmas just makes me a little bit sentimental, that's all. I'm here for a reason, and I chose to be here for a reason... and I sound like I'm trying to convince myself, don't I? Well, maybe I need to convice myself a little bit. But not too much, because the facts all speak for themselves, and they do the convincing for me. Now that I'm seeing them clearly.
infinite || abyss
posted at 4:27 p.m.
