Sun, Mar 10
... Growing out
It's an odd feeling to not be
obligated to be at the Well--to have the choice of whether or not to go--and even weirder to see not going as the preferable option. I was telling Kat that for five years, I've been the Well's most faithful attender (well, maybe besides Daryl!), and all of a sudden, I don't have to, nor do I necessarily want to, be. I'm not on worship team, I'm not leading anything, I'm not responsible for being there all afternoon for a dress rehearsal... nothing. I have no reason to be there, except my own desire to be.
I almost feel like I'm betraying something. I was one of the "charter members" of the Well, and now none of us even go anymore. The only ones who do are there as junior high sponsors, so they're not really at "The Well," they're at "The Swamp." But even as late as last semester, there was still Daryl, Matt, Kathy, and me. We were really the only "originals" left, but we were still there. Now, Daryl doesn't lead worship anymore, and he's still there, but not as much, and not in the same capacity.
When I was in high school, there were always C&C people there, and it was a much more multi-age service; not just high school. Last year, though, a lot of them (us, by that point, I guess) stopped coming, because Craig didn't encourage it, and because it stopped being relevant. I find that incredibly sad. The Word of God should always be relevant. The examples and specific issues talked about may be age-specific, yes, but that doesn't mean that someone else shouldn't get as much out of it as the people it's intended for. I know that there are times when I get more out of a Sunday School lesson for three-year-olds, just because it's presented differently, and I see it in a completely new light. When it stops being relevant... something's wrong.
But I'm off on a tangent. Last year, I was one of the most militant crusaders that the college people shouldn't abandon the Well; that we should stay and not just stop going because it wasn't what we liked anymore. And now, I've, in essence, left. I feel like a betrayer, in some ways. In other ways, though, I know that it wasn't feeding me. I know I wasn't getting much of anything out of it anymore.
For the past year, at least, I've seen it as more of my ministry than someone else ministering to me. But lately, it's become even less of that. It's become not much of anything. I'm not exactly sure why that is, but I don't want to jeopardize anyone else's experience with God because I'm there for the wrong reasons, or under false pretenses.
I'm sure I'll go back sometimes. I know Craig still wants me to go and help out every now and then, and to be part of whatever else is happening, especially when there's a drama coming up, or we have a skit in the Well, or something like that. But for now, I'm not there, and it feels odd. It feels wrong somehow, but at the same time, like this is where I need to be--or not be--for right now.
infinite || abyss
posted at 10:55 p.m.
