Thurs, Dec 27
... Moment to moment
It's in winning the little battles. The small victories. It's easier to be taken in when I'm not angry... it's easier to resist when I'm so mad that I can't see straight. Ah well... It's a hard thing to let go of. Every war has its casualties; this is it. Unfortunately in this case, the casualty itself is the very thing I'm fighting over. Kind of twisted, isn't it? No, actually, that's not completely right. The casualty is what I'm fighting over, in one sense. What I've lost is what I'm fighting to keep away. But at the same time, I'm fighting to gain my "me-ness," my dignity, my independence, the kind of treatment that's right--not just that "I deserve," but that's right for anyone to receive. So while I'm fighting off the very thing I've lost, by pushing it away and keeping it away, I gain so much. I just have to keep it all in perspective.
And it is different this time. It may not always seem that obvious on the outside, but I promise that the changes are there, and are taking place. They just don't happen overnight. I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's not. That's a fact, and it's a fact that I'm having to reconcile myself with. I want things to change *right now,* but they don't, and I can't expect them to. At the same time, though, I can't let that be an excuse to not change.
I'm doing my best. Sometimes I fall down, sometimes I keep walking; sometimes I give in when I know I really shouldn't, and sometimes I stand up. But I keep going, and the difference is in the little things; in the small attitude changes that I know I have. The little things that are different, and in those differences making their way to the surface and changing the outside.
The biggest difference this time, though, is that it's changing from the inside out, not the outside in. This isn't something that I'm trying to impose on myself, because that never works. It's failed every single time in the past, and this time would be absolutely no different. The difference is that my attitudes and my thoughts are changing, and that's manifesting itself on the outside. In some places, it seems like less of a drastic change at first, maybe, but it's more lasting and more real than any other thing I've tried to do.
So, here we go again. Pick myself up, brush myself off, laugh a little, smile a little, cry a little, and move on. Keep walking from here, and go from this moment to the next.
infinite || abyss
posted at 1:26 a.m.
