Tues, Aug 6
... Learning to swim the hard way
Well, I'm writing an entry from
work again. I just can't escape this place, can I?
So yesterday I was writing all about how productive my weekend was, and then my entry got lost into the neverland of cyberspace. I had fun, though. I went shopping at Ikea, and then spent the next couple of days putting up all my stuff. Then I decided that while I was tidying that up, it would be a good thing to clean my entire house. So I did. I washed the dishes, bought cleaning supplies, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed the house, took out the garbage, cleaned the living room, cleaned my room, cleaned the kitchen... it was insane. But productive. Then I decided that I should start to write back to all the emails that were sitting in my inbox waiting to be responded to. Then I went to Janel's and hung out with her.
Ever have a day where you're just tired and frustrated? I am. I want to go to sleep... I don't know why I'm so exhausted. I had a pretty long sleep last night, and a not-too-strenuous day today, so I'm not exactly sure why I'm so tired. I think I'm just going to go home and have a nice lazy evening tonight.
I remember talking a while ago about forgiveness, and thinking that I'd never get to restore, that I was destined to salvage. I never thought I'd get to where I am now. It's an interesting feeling, and a cool place to be, especially when it was the least expected.
Life moves at such a crazy pace sometimes... sometimes it feels like things are moving so fast, but at the same time it doesn't feel like I'm out of control.
Not that I was ever really in control of it, but you know what I mean. I don't feel overwhelmed in a bad way.
I was telling Min today that sometimes you know you're supposed to be going somewhere, and you're not. You know God wants you to be somewhere else in life than you are, but you're just too scared, or lazy, or apthetic, or whatever to go anywhere. Then there are the times when you're just racing ahead of where you know God wants you to be. You're just going, going, going; spiralling out of control, knowing that you're in a place where you're not waiting for God, and you're trying to run away as fast as you can. Eventually, you stop trying to run, but you've got too much momentum to stop. You're just going far too fast to slow down, and it keeps getting scarier and scarier.
I'm not in either of those places right now. I'm in a place where things are happening fast--sometimes uncomfortably so--but it's not the kind of uncomfortable that's because I'm doing the wrong thing. It's the kind of uncomfortable that comes from being pushed out of my comfort zone into something that I don't think I'd ever be "ready" for if I just waited for that perfect moment. Sometimes, you have to be pushed off the diving board in order to learn to swim.
infinite || abyss
posted at 6:07 p.m.
