Sun, Jan 6
... In the space between now and then
I am still in shock. Dan asked me this morning if I wanted a car, and told me that he'd give me his when they move. What a gift! That's incredible... Anyways...
What a great week. Well, except for Thursday. Other than that, though, it really has been good times... and treasured times. You know, the kind that will be remembered for a long time yet to come. I'm excited for those times yet to come, too; so excited to see what happens with all this "now," and where it leads "then." I know this doesn't make much sense to the general public; sorry. I just have to write about this for my sake, and for the sake of the people it does make sense to.
*sigh* Finally, an action plan. Something to hold onto rather than just the generalities of "things aren't going to be the same." Finally, there's a way to measure that, and I think that's what I'm excited for more than anything right now. The dreams, the goals, the future, the searching... are all so "out there somewhere," but this is something that's right here, right now. Something that I can set a short-term goal by. "I'm going to make it through today without... I'm going to make it through this week this way..." because I have nothing to set the long-term by. Nothing definitive, that is. There's hope, and trust, and that's so incredibly important, but I'm not making plans based on trust.
I was reading Christy's poem, Hope, the other day... when I was at my parents', I found our old book, "The Effects of Adversity on the Human Spirit" that we were working on writing when we were in high school. Our poetry anthology with all the introductions to the poems. It's interesting to read it and see how much we've changed, and how much our ideals have changed, and at the same time, how much they've stayed the same. Anyways, I should post that poem when I get the chance. It's quite insightful.
We all have our little symbols of hope. The things that we hold onto, because if we let go, it's like we're letting go of a dream, of a piece of ourselves. Sometimes, it gets to the point where that's the only thing left to do--let go of the symbol and the dream and move on--but I don't think that's so right now.
I don't know much of anything at the moment, but I do have a peace, and an expectation. I'm not sure what that expectation's of, exactly, although I know that will come with time, but it's definitely there. I know what I hope for, but I know that whatever comes, whether or not it's what I "hope" for right now, it'll be the fulfillment of my deepest longings, dreams, and hopes. Maybe even the ones I don't know yet that I have; the ones still lying dormant, waiting for the right time to be birthed, and then the even more right time to be fulfilled.
Right now, I'm just generally excited for everything. Not a jumping-up-and-down-and-screaming-at-the-top-of-my-lungs sort of excited, but a quieter, deeper sort of excitement. You know, the kind that goes along with emotions... no, not even emotions. Realities, whether or not I "feel" them. So the kind of excitement that's not based on a feeling, but is based on the same thing that joy, peace, satisfaction, love, and faith are based on. Something deeper than what I feel like feeling.
infinite || abyss
posted at 12:52 p.m.
