Mon, Dec 10
... I long to know again
I don't remember exactly what I was going to write, but I can ramble until I think of it, or something like it. :o)
I got to talk to Laura again today... it's becoming a great weekly ritual--Sunday night, around midnight, I call her, and it's 8 a.m. her time, so we get to talk for 45 minutes or an hour before she has to go to class and I have to go to bed. Today, I was about 10 minutes late calling, and she said that she was all worried she wouldn't get her Monday morning wakeup call! :o)
I'm so sad, and I feel a great sense of loss. Not an "I want this back" type of sadness; just a "why did it have to come down to this?" type of sadness. That's the question I keep asking myself. What went so horribly wrong? Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't care anymore, because I always will. There will always be a special place in my heart, and there will never, ever be a time when I don't care. The form that care takes and the way it's manifested may change, but the fact that it's there will never change.
I have so many good memories, too, and I'm not trying to deny that. I'm not saying that everything is or has been crap, because that's not the case. I will always cherish the good times, and the things I've learned through the bad times, and everything else about this. But just because I have those good times doesn't justify this. They're not strong enough to get past what's happening now and to get past the fact that I need to work on a lot of stuff on my own and to give yet another chance. That's not what it is. It's forgiveness, yes; it's caring, yes; but it's not stupidity. It's not putting myself and other people at risk just because I have good memories.
But I hope and pray more than anything that someday I can work through my issues, and he can work through his, and someday, we can be friends again. Someday, unforseeable right now; someday in the future when we're more mature and more able to deal with problems; someday when we've moved on and this isn't as much a part of everyday life and decision making as it is now. Someday, I hope...
infinite || abyss
posted at 1:47 a.m.
