Fri, Feb. 7
... And let it slip away in time
Hi. It's late, and I'm not sure if I'm going to regret writing this later on, but right now, I just want to write, and you're the lucky recipient. Besides, I feel like being brutally honest with someone, and your name got pulled out of the hat. So... enjoy. If I actually send this after writing it. If you read it, and you think it's something I'm regretting, just disregard it, okay? Oh, and one more disclaimer: I don't expect anything from you as a result of anything I write here. Let me make that more than abundantly clear. This isn't a plea for anything from you; it's a measure to stave off insanity. I'm writing because if I don't do something right now (not even necessarily relating to you), I'm going to spontaneously combust. Or something. Like I said. It's late/early, I'm buzzed on Tootsie Rolls and Ichiban, and if I go to sleep now, who knows what I'll dream about.
I miss you. Heh. How much more blunt than that can I get? I don't know. In all of the past 2 years, there have been days when I haven't missed you. You know that. Even in the past 6 months, there have been days when I haven't missed you. Not as many as there were before, but they're still there somewhere.
I wish you could come see me act. I don't know why, but I want you to come see "Our Town;" to come see the one-act festival. It's weird how we want someone's approva--we want that one particular person to accept what we do. Most artists are like that, I think. We have that one person whose acceptance means everything, and if we don't get it, we go on, but it would make the work seem so worthwhile if we just had that.
I had an audition today. I don't know if I'll get the part or not... I'll know by next week, but there are just as many other talented actors going for the part. I'd say that I'm right in the middle of the pack. I have as good of a chance as anybody--there wasn't anyone in the general audition today that stuck out to me as being exceptionally good or horrendously bad. It's not a professional show, but it's definitely more professional-ish than anything I've been involved in thus far. I won't get paid, so technically it's still community theatre, but it's better quality community theatre. Anyways, it goes up in the middle of May, and if I get the part, I would love it if you were there. I know that probably won't work, but it would mean a lot to me if you came to see me act someday. Maybe one of these years I'll get a show out there, and you can come and see that.
There's a line in the song "Clearest Indication" that haunts me--"Did we have all we wanted / And let it slip away in time?" I wonder that a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I made the biggest mistake of my life. There's a scene that I'm working on right now, with Janna, and we're talking about her marriage and her affair in part of it.
Me: You're a kid, Betty, you know that? What do you think life is, a Street and Smith Love Story magazine? What more do you want?
Her: Something more than this!
Me: This is what life is. You get up in the morning, you live your day, and you go to bed at night. That's life. I manage to get to Macy's once a week, and Frank goes bowling every Thursday night, and it's not so bad. I don't know what you mean by happiness. At least you've got a husband who wants you. It's written all over his face. That's more than most of us can say about our husbands.
I don't think life's that bad, but I do wonder if I was expecting something more than what I should have been. Did I have everything? Did I throw it all away, and now I'm going to have to live with something second-best for the rest of my life, because I made a stupid mistake when I was 18, and then compounded it with more stupid mistakes when I was 19 and 20? I'm not old enough to have my idiotic-ness affect the rest of my life! I'm still supposed to be young and carefree, right? Yeah, right.
I don't know. I'm just living one day at a time, laughing as much as possible, crying when I need to, talking about breasts far too often for any healthy person to do, wondering what I'm going to do once I graduate, and in general, loving what I'm doing. But I think I'm going to send this to you, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that I do still trust you. Besides, I talk to you so infrequently these days that it's like writing for myself therapeutically. ;o)
infinite || abyss
posted at 1:48 a.m.
