Mon, Apr. 11
... Hungered for so long
The sad thing about Saturday night is that I spent most of my own birthday party feeling like I was chaperoning a youth group event. They're just so young! I love them to bits, but it's hard when they're not the ones I wanted here most.
I was trying to explain it to Blair without sounding like a spoiled, whiny princess, but I don't think it was working.
The thing is, I had a certain mindset. When I want to hang out with the kids, I have a certain mental state that I'm in; when I want to hang out with "adult" friends, there's a different mental state. I was in the "adult" state of mind, and all the kids showed up, and I was just exhausted by the end of the night. They really do drain me, especially when I'm expecting something else.
And they're getting older, these "kids." Most of them are 19 and 20 now, but somehow, my relationships with them haven't changed since I was 19 and 20, so in some ways, they still feel 15 and 16. Make sense, in some bizarre, twisted way? Not really, but we can pretend, right?
They just seem stuck at the same level, and it's not being silly that I have issues with--I love sillinesss. I just want silliness and immaturity to be an option, not the default. I want the default to be mature, adult conversation, from where we can diverge into silly games and goofy distractions.
Kat, Kim, and I spent a good part of the evening cleaning up in the kitchen, and I really did feel like I was supervising a child's party. But the thing is, they were the ones I wanted to spend most time with. Out of the ones that were there, those two and Laura were the ones that I really wanted to celebrate with. Everyone else that I would have loved to have come just wasn't there.
Anyways. Then, yesterday, I think everything caught up with me physically. At church, I was just exhausted and not in the mood to socialize--it's like the exhaustion and loneliness hits me in waves. I'll be fine for the longest time, and then, one day, it's just so overwhelming that I can't stand up. Literally.
By the time I was at work, I was so dizzy and headachy that I could barely stand, and I ended up leaving a couple of hours early. I really debated just trying to stay, but I think it was best that I went home. I could barely drive as it was, and I think that if I'd waited another 3 hours to go, I would have been a danger to everyone else on the roads.
As it was, I collapsed into bed at 7:15, was asleep by 8:30, and didn't wake up until 9 this morning.
That was probably still some residual blech from when I had the flu last week, but I have a feeling that a good part of it was also just the emotional junk catching up with me.
But on the bright side, I have lots of leftover food--including tons of fresh fruit salad--from Saturday night, so I guess I can count my blessings there, right?
Sigh.
One year ago today: What a perfect night. It's warm out, and Dria and I spent 2 hours walking around downtown, taking random pictures, and having fun. It felt like the beginning of summer... a perfect Easter Sunday. No snow, like some years. Warm weather. No wind. Sunshine. I love days like this.
infinite || abyss
posted at 9:34 a.m.
