Fri, Apr. 2
... An uneven trade for the real world
Wow. I've been sitting in the computer lab at school for almost 6 hours. Well, mostly sitting here. A few bathroom breaks and stuff, but really, this is where I've spent the day. And what do I have to show for it? Not as much as I should, but still... a few more assignments than I had finished (or started) 6 hours ago.
What a day. Now that Hobbit is over, everything's hitting all at once, and I'm an emotional wreck. The letdown of my showcase, Hobbit, and Logan is all being thrown at me in one big mess of emotion-inducing excitement, and I'm not sure my nerves can take it.
I'm at loose ends. Hence, I'm sitting in the computer lab at school, trying to forget that I have to entertain myself this evening, instead of running a show. And entertain myself I must, because if I don't, I'll be a blubbering mass of raw emotion. Maybe that's what I need to do, but it's not necessarily what I want right now.
I feel like such a... retard, and I can't even really explain it. It feels more irrational than I'm sure it really is, and I feel silly for feeling this way. I feel like I should be more grown-up and responsible than to have all these silly emotions. This feels so junior-high-ish to me, and I want to believe that I'm more adult than that.
And I know that it's valid. I know that it's a combination of a lot of things, and I know that even the stuff that's not really a "combination" is a valid emotion. I'm allowed to feel this way. It's okay that I've been on the verge of tears all day. No, I'm not going to base my life's decisions on that, but it's okay to feel this way for right now, because that's how I feel.
I just don't feel like it should be.
But you know, at the same time, I just want to sulk a little. I want to be a little bit moody, and I want to have a moment to grieve and mourn. That's really what it feels like I'm doing--grieving the loss of something and not being 100% sure of how to pick up the pieces and move on.
"Suddenly I'm free to resume the life I had before, but suddenly, it seems hollow and full of emptiness."
One year ago today: I can't believe it's opening night. This has been the rehearsal process that wouldn't end, and it's ended. Five shows, and that's it. Wow. Opening night already. So bizarre.
infinite || abyss
posted at 4:07 p.m.
