Sat, Oct. 5
... Take all your big plans and break them
So I'm finally getting around to writing a real entry. It's been somewhat of a crazy week--yesterday was just nuts. I finally feel like I'm getting caught up on getting my script book for Mayhem, though. Since our no-reading week came right at the beginning of rehearsals, I felt like I was getting behind on highlighting, blocking, attendance, memos, and rehearsal notes. Finally, I've gotten my binder into order, gotten all my blocking down and highlighted, and everything else is ready to go.
Anyways. The week was a good one for me. It was frustrating and challenging, and I hated it, but in the end, it was good.
It's funny. Sometimes I don't realize until much later what God's been teaching me. Sometimes I realize it halfway through. This time, I got the sense at the beginning that I knew what it would be about. "This is going to be about personal integrity for you. Are you the person you say you are?" I knew from day one that it would come down to that. When no one's looking, am I who I say I am to the rest of the world? And when I'm not, do I admit it?
It was definitely not a comfortable week, in a lot of ways. I mean, it's not a big deal--not reading isn't a moral issue, it's not a sin, and no one really cares if I do or don't. It doesn't matter. But if I can't be a woman of integrity in that, can I be in anything--and everything--else?
It became about the little victories. It became about having an evening at home, and succeeding in not checking my email, or reading a book. I ended up not looking at the entire week as seven days of not being allowed to read, but as an hour at a time; an evening at a time; a day at a time.
The interesting thing was that it became a week of intense communion with God. It wasn't necessarily that I was spending more time in prayer or anything because I couldn't read, because that wasn't really it. I think, in retrospect, that it was the fact that I had to examine myself so much more intensely. I was becoming so much more aware of my shortcomings and my struggles, and that drove me back.
There are dreams... God-dreams... I thought I'd given up on them... or maybe that God had given up on me ever being worthy to fulfill them. Last week, though, a lot of those were given back to me in some way or another. It's hard to describe. It's not like all of a sudden everything I've ever wished for is coming true. Far from it. In some ways, it feels like the exact opposite. But at the same time, pieces have been falling into place for these to come true. Not today, but someday. The pieces are there: the dominoes are being lined up, and in some cases, God's flicking the first one, and the chain begins.
It'll be interesting to see how this week affects things. It will. I know that. I don't want to forget it... I don't want it to become some sort of vague memory that I don't even know what the implications were, much less are.
God works in mysterious ways, though. He can take a week where I can't read and turn it into a series of spiritual revelations. I just don't know--and can't wait to see--what else he does with my meager offerings.
infinite || abyss
posted at 4:07 p.m.
