Sat, Dec 8
... Paint me a picture with all the colors in your paintbox
So, I don't know if anyone remembers, or has been reading that long, but way back, I talked about
the grey world and how I was stuck in there for so long, and didn't quite know where to go or how to get out. It's a long, hard road out of there, and I don't think I'm completely out, but I know I'm so much further than I was before. Anyways, I found an amazing passage in a book that so perfectly describes living in the grey world.
It was a fear of something translucent, almost transparent--something murky, gray, and swirling. A fear of something jealous of color, that spread itself on red, and layer after layer, make the red disappear. A something that layered itself on white until it was able to impose itself and masquerade as the presence of all color. A something that slathered itself on black until the contrast was gone, and what once was strong now appeared ashen gray. A malevolent something that spread itself on yellow, on blue, on brown, on green, and sought to strangle their pigment.
I thought that was incredibly profound, and an amazing description of what happened. What I felt like. What happened to my spirit.
On another, somewhat related topic, though... I feel more hope, since watching Kat and Christian. Hope that somewhere out there, there's a guy for me who's going to treat me like a princess and take all the trust that I put in and treasure it. Not that he'll be perfect, because no one is, and everyone does things that hurt people, especially the ones that they love the most, but someone who will treasure me. Cherish me. Love me. Respect me. They give me hope, because I see the way he treats her, and even the way he treats me as her friend, and as his friend, and I know now that there are guys out there who do treat girls the way they deserve. I guess I've always known it, but I don't always believe it. This makes it real, something tangible that I can see and recognize that it's not just "somewhere out there," it's close enough to touch. Maybe it's still "somewhere out there" for me, and who knows when it'll ever become a reality, but on the whole, it's around somewhere.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:49 p.m.
