Tues, Aug. 13
... It goes like this
Sometimes, I'd just like to be treated like an adult, and I want people to realize that I can make my own decisions. It frustrates me to go to someone for support, encouragement, and yes, advice, and then to be treated like I'm 16 years old again. I'm not making any rash decisions. I'm not going to screw myself over. Trust me; if there's anyone who's over-cautious here, it's me. I'm not about to do
anything stupid. I'm too gun-shy for that. Oh well.
It's interesting how people have different things that they feel self-conscious or weak about. Some people can't be seen without makeup, or in a situation where they're physically (appearance-wise) at a disadvantage. That's where they find their security. That's not me... even with guys that I've liked, or whatever, I've always been comfortable to just be me around them. I can be a slob, or not be dressed nicely, or wear no makeup, or anything like that.
My thing is that I like to be in control of my image. I like to look like I've got it all together emotionally. I don't like to be weak in that area, and it catches me off-guard when I am. I don't like to be caught in a situation where I don't know what I'm doing, especially if I'm competing or something like that. I can fail all I want while I'm learning on my own, and I'll be persistent in trying to succeed. But the minute you put me with a group of people who know better than I do what to do, I balk. That's where my sense of pride tends to kick in.
It's weird. But I guess it makes sense. I've never put much stock in my looks; I've never found security in them. I know I'm not ugly, but I know I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, either. I've just gotten comfortable with them. I've found my security and a lot of my identity in my intellect, though. I've been known as the "smart one" and the one who can think logically through any situation. I'm the one who's got a good head on her shoulders and who can figure out a lot of things. When something compromises that, that's when I feel weak.
Anyways. I think I have too much time to think on my hands. It's days like today that I really love my job. I get paid to go river rafting with a bunch of kids and work on my tan. :o) How much fun is that? Yah. I love my job. Tomorrow, we're spending the day hiking. Oh, it's a tough life, I know.
infinite || abyss
posted at 9:07 p.m.
